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Peter and Paulette have agreed that they need still more time before they make a final split-up or re-unite decision.  Paulette is wary of false hope.  She wants to be certain that she can trust that Peter’s changes will hold, and hers as well.  

So here’s my situation. I’ve had a relationship for the past 3.5 years. For a long time prior to those years she had a huge crush on me, but i never really did anything with it. Even still we got together. During the relationship i never really felt i was truly in love with her, at least i thought so. But i also need to mention that i was smoking weed on a daily basis. (She hated that) Which resulted in me not to be able to express my feelings in the right way, or even to be having’ feelings. During this time i was unemployed and living in her house pretty much rent-free, and even still she was the sweetest girl in the world for me. (make’s me sick to my stomach even thinking about that now) I was a really selfish guy over the years, never surprised her or anything like that and have been taking’ her for granted During the entire relationship. Never really considered her feelings. (Again, sick to my stomach) So due to text messages she started building a emotionally relationship with some guy she met a bar way back before our relationship. Can’t really blame her for that giving the fact i was emotionally unavailable due to smoking weed. It always stayed with text messaging she claims and i believe her. This lasted from May to August. I forgave her. Last September we’ve been on holiday together, for here it was a sort of last attempt to save our relationship. Which i didn’t knew at the time. So i continued in my own selfish ways, and continued smoking weed. She was slipping right from under my nose and i didn’t even noticed. After the holiday we’ve stayed together until November 10th which is when she dumped me. Again, cant blame her, thinking back i am surprised she even last this long with me. Since then i have stopped smoking weed, cant even stand the smell of it, got a job, and starting to express my emotions again. Needless to say that i want her back, in fact i feel like im in love with her. She says its to late, that she really would want it but that her feelings for me has changed. However, she does keep contacting me, even send some nudes and stuff like that but still don’t want te be in a relationship anymore. Also does she really badly wants to stay friends and gets really upset if i suggest to brake contact, just because i cant handle this form of contact we are having right now, simply because i want her back so badly. Do think NC will do the trick? I’ve been trying it 2 times already but never got past 2/3 days as she keeps calling/texting me and i feel bad for her and cave. And its hard for me as well of course. Sorry for my English, im from Europe.

Instructions: This quiz is designed to help give you some idea about the strength of your long-term monogamous relationship or marriage. For each item, indicate how much you agree or disagree with the statement. This takes most people about 5 minutes to complete. Take your time and answer truthfully for the most accurate results.

I have a very good feeling that if we can get to a point where we can talk openly and he isn’t feeling pressured to get back together, we will have an excellent chance to make it work. I want to work to make big changes to make our sex life better and I know if I can show this to him, he will definitely want to reconsider. He is also young like me and very impulsive. We had a great relationship other than this issue.

The 20-question “True Love or True Loser?” relationship quiz is inspired by Dr Joseph Carver’s famous article “Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers” and has been co-authored by Dr Carver. This quiz is intended to help you become aware of aspects of your relationship experiences which Dr Carver has associated with hurtful relationships and potentially, at particularly high levels, with the types of abuse sometimes linked to personality disorders.

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Hey Luke, it sounds like you’re on the right path. Just don’t put too much pressure on her to get back together with you or she may walk away. You can always tell her how you feel, but add that you respect her wish to focus on school and you’ll wait for her as a friend first or something.

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.

Ihave been in love with this one Man for 25 years we were not together for 9 yrs got back together married was together for 8 years now we are divorced be a yr in March he is with someone else we have secretly been together 3 times since the break up and I actually work part time for the same person that he works full time for ee dont actually run into each other every day maybe once a week I love and very much inlove with him we have conquered so much and overcame so much in our time together I love him very much in love with him Just need advice if you can help. Thank you

She left it got very messy on account emotions were running high. She always said I deserved to be happy and that I wasn’t happy with her. She always referenced an ex she thought I was more in love with. Shes even told people that me and that ex have gotten back together. She said this made her miserable and why she always fought with me. She hasn’t deleted me off of her facebook but she is making it very hard on me in general. She messages me when she seems to need something, and attaches other things to those messages about being happy for me that I’m happy…etc. She tells everyone she is happier now that she is gone. Why stay in contact every now and then, and why keep my photos up on FB if she was not still thinking in some way. I’m giving her space and not contacting her. I did well enough to let her know how I feel and I’m working on me and doing things that make me happy. I want her to realize I can be the man she needs and that I was happy the whole time, with her.

If at least the one who committed a totally out of bounds act does a thorough rethinking and relearning the result the result can be betterment and continuation of the marriage, provided s/he becomes totally clear that s/he will not repeat the behavior. If not, the marriage is in big trouble. At the same time, odds for successful resumption of a better marriage zoom up if both partners engage in learning.

At the same time, in most abuse situations that I have worked with it is important for the partner also to learn to talk cooperatively. If the partner is sustaining needlessly provocative dialogue habits, that’s a big mistake.

Any ideas about how to initiate this kind of conversation with him, start talking in a more positive light? Over text or in person? I just want to open the lines to him without him feeling that giving me any positive encouragement = he wants me again right now.

I had 3 month long relationship with a guy from a dating site. I have trust problems because of 20 year long marriage in which I was kinda abused. So that is why decided I did not want a serious relationship, only a friend with benefit type of thing. The guy was very polite. We had only kissing on first date and it took a while for him to even ask for it. Later I told him I did not want a serious relationship but it seemed he was hoping in it. We had very strong chemistry. After we had sex he was taken to hospital. It was crazy. I started to feel something however the plan was not that. I have decided to split up with him but someway I was not able. So we were keeping in touch for 1 month then he was released. I did not trust him. First I though even hospital was lie and then I discovered he was texting with others. I tried to get closer to him but he had walls. We had fights since I felt him cold, too rational therefore I got angry towards him and we had awful fights.We split up 3x but it started again. I emphasized that it was only about sex for me but he wanted sg more serious. Once I have seen him to chat with someone else for a long time. I asked him to tell me if he had someone else and let me go since it is too painful this way to me. He told me that there was no anyone else just he did not know where he stood with me since I was working against the relationship. Basically I think I did not know what I wanted and we had walls. Ok. I asked him to start it again. He asked for time and I promised time. So he messaged me but when I wanted to reply I saw he was chatting with someone again and got angry and attacked him. I said really really mean things. He switched off phone. I was thinking I might have hurt him deliberately because I was not brave enough to start sg serious and wanted to get rid of him instinctively. Next day I said sorry. I was feeling really awful about myself. I am not an evil person. But he did not read it (or yes but it was not displayed).

I now find myself wondering what the best way forward is, although he has given me some hope by saying that he still wants to date and try and rekindle the spark he has also crushed any hope I have by moving further away from me and saying that ok ye we’ll date but it might not actually lead to our relationship being given another go. I now find myself in this weird limbo where I don’t really know what to do and crying on a daily basis! I have read your article and have found it very helpful. Could you advice what you think would be best to do? Thanks.