“In this part, I will need to know more about the basics of your past relationship, life and what you believe about relationships in general. This will help determine the overall category that your breakup fits in.”

This project was supported by Grant Number 90EV0426 from the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Peter arranged to meet his wife for coffee. He brought with him his list of all the old habits that he now understood had been problematic in the old relationship. He also listed the new habit patterns he was building to replace the old ones.  

You just started dating a new guy. You are in that honeymoon phase and everything is great. You are constantly complimenting him and giving him acknowledgment that he is wanted by you. Basically he loves hearing that you are interested in him. However, as time goes on things begin to change. You don’t compliment him as much because you don’t need to land him anymore. This is when the problems begin for him.

I am deeply in love with my ex, and i know he is too. He is just like a girl tho so indecisive. doesnt know what he wants.. he does know he wants me, but he thinks that he cant tell me. he has an issue with expressing his feelings. and he has made me cry, and been a jerk sometimes… but i still love him soo much and dont know what ill do without him.

This interactive, science-based quiz will help you determine whether or not it will be possible to get back together with your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend.  (Accuracy is not guaranteed and individual results may vary.)

She left it got very messy on account emotions were running high. She always said I deserved to be happy and that I wasn’t happy with her. She always referenced an ex she thought I was more in love with. Shes even told people that me and that ex have gotten back together. She said this made her miserable and why she always fought with me. She hasn’t deleted me off of her facebook but she is making it very hard on me in general. She messages me when she seems to need something, and attaches other things to those messages about being happy for me that I’m happy…etc. She tells everyone she is happier now that she is gone. Why stay in contact every now and then, and why keep my photos up on FB if she was not still thinking in some way. I’m giving her space and not contacting her. I did well enough to let her know how I feel and I’m working on me and doing things that make me happy. I want her to realize I can be the man she needs and that I was happy the whole time, with her.

Although we all deserve proper closure, sometimes we just don’t receive it. It doesn’t mean you should stay in one place, without moving on in life because that’s what many people do and they never fully pick themselves up. It seems really sudden that he broke up with you when everything seemed fine (based on what you said) and there should be a reason. Maybe if you can figure out what that is (from mutual friends), then you would get the closure you deserve. However, I suggest in the mean time not to contact him any further and just focus on yourself. Apply No Contact and pick yourself up as he’s doing with himself. Only later on should you actually contact him again if you still love him and want him back.

It seems that relationships become completely different things over time. An initial relationship has completely different values from a ‘vintage’ relationship. Furthermore a relationship has different values depending on your age. When relationships being, both partners have a distorted impression of each other. They are high on emotion and are in the attraction stage thus those annoying little ticks that drive you insane are unnoticeable under all of the excitement. The middle stage is withdrawal. The chemicals start to ebb after about 2 years and this is where the rationalization arguments begin. Where you argue because you are irritated and project your withdrawal on to your partner because they are no longer on the pedestal that you yourself put them. Now this where most people say good bye, or sometimes through some sense of duty and loyalty they never resolve the problems they just endure them and the unhappy relationship continues. Some others they reach another plane of a relationship. Where that person becomes a part of you. You have gone through the withdrawal and now you are life partners you are one body. In this throw away world, not enough people have enough humility or self awareness to reach this level. They are too busy trying to find their next fix after during the withdrawal phase. Sad…

I sort of cheated on him. I had a new guy right after my boyfriend broke up. But during the time me and the new guy were together, I was still in love with my boyfriend and realized he was the one I want. But it is too late now I guess. He tried to get back with me but after a few weeks broke up with me again because all his trust to me is down to zero. I love him sooooo much. I tried to make things work but eventually he broke up with me after us trying to be together again.

So my ex broke up with me a little over a month ago after a 3 months relationship & several months of talking & getting to know each other really well (starting in the summer but wasn’t a fling). He is 24, I am 21, we felt serious, he would mention marriage. We had many common goals & other things & he loved that. Commitment/marriage seemed serious to him, he was all about values & didn’t like relationships where he wasn’t sure about marriage (I was a little hesitant about it). I was getting out of a breakup as well & vented to him a lot in the first 1-2 months/I mentioned the ex sometimes which he didn’t like & looking back I shouldn’t have done.

The following Ex Back Quiz will show you exactly how much your ex still loves, needs, and wants you in their life. If you answer each question honestly, the final score will provide valuable insight into the best ways to reconnect, rekindle, and eventually, reconcile with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.

Ah so you had a sneaking suspicion but were proven wrong. This is bad for you for a couple of reasons. First off, your boyfriend surely will feel worried about incurring your wrath whenever they want to do something. Secondly, it makes your ex feel like you never trusted them. Luckily, you can work on this and prove to him that you are no longer the person who suspects him every time he goes out (without you.)

Option to convert to a Full report, with a detailed analysis of all test scores, graphics, your strengths and weaknesses, and down-to-earth advice and tips. You can purchase just this one test or get the best value with a monthly package. To review our subscription options please click here.

A link to your quiz results report will be emailed to you immediately. This results report will include your score and a detailed breakdown of where you stand with your ex and what your next steps should be.

And after the break up my ex husband indicated he wanted me back (we have two kids) but I refused because I want someone better. Also, interestingly right after the break-up my former neighbour asked me out for a drink through facebook. But I did not want to play with others since I am into my ex boyfriend. So I refused especially because I know that my neighbour would be serious about the relationship. He was trying with me previously, confessed his feelings but he is too simple for me: I mean he is not interested in deeper things and I am. So I refused him previously as well. And I am chatting with a guy who is quite interested in me. So as you can see I dont have to feel that I would not have any other chance. I am on dating sites. I am friendly and quite ok for my age. Also, i have 4 degrees. So I am not absolutely stupid. Men are attracted to me. And I am 38. I am after a 20 year long marriage so obviously I know my feelings for this guy wont last forever. I am not that naive. The main point is that: I would like one more chance with this guy because maybe we would get on very well if I try seriously. And since I realized that I need not only sex but someone who loves me and who I can love, at the end of the day I have to change my approach/behaviour anyway. So why not now and why not with this guy. It is not that easy to find someone who is interested in deep-speaking and still sober enough and who behaves in a loving way towards me. Also we were perfectly in synch in sex. So what else would I want? Of course maybe it wont work. I am realistic. I know this guy only for 3 months and we had fights. I am nornmally not an agressive type but I was the one who started the fight, he remained polite while I was swearing. This shows that I tried to protect myself from emotions. He realized that it is my fear but i did not want to realize. And you know I want this only if it works well. Basically I dont want this guy at any cost but I wanna see where it goes if I really try without fears. Maybe he is the right person for me.

Get in shape- There is no argument that you can make to me to say that this isn’t a good idea. This is especially true if (no offense) you are a little overweight. However, even if you are a workout fanatic don’t let your breakup change that side of you.

Upgrading skills however is a separate issue from totally out of bounds behavior like verbal or physical abuse. Affairs, abuse and abusive anger are choices for which the doer bears full responsibility.

This is another legitimate reason for a breakup. Unfortunately, in my personal opinion it says more about of his lack of character (unless you were really boring but I doubt that) than anything you actually did. Luckily, seeming boring is quite easy to fix!

You should first figure out why she lost interest in you. No contact is meant for you to focus on picking yourself up and not simply giving her space. If you’re able to contact her and face rejection without falling apart, that’s how you’ll know that no contact worked. Since your NC period is ending soon, you could always drop her a casual text and maybe even ask to catch up sometime. Everything isn’t going to fall in place after one day of talking again after a breakup and you’ll have to slowly nurture her back into wanting you, which is why it’s so important to be able to face her without the fear of falling apart every time she pulls away or is cold towards you.

Notice how I didn’t specify if this friend was a male or female. You just planted a seed of doubt in your ex boyfriends head and now he is going to wonder if you saw a romantic movie with a friend or with a date.

Hi! I broked up with my boyfriend one month and a week ago, I broked up with him because he became distant with no reason, he was being very dry with me and I always asked him if I was being a good girlfriend and he always said that I was perfect. We didn’t have any problems during our relationship of 3 months. So, I broked up with him through a text “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and he replied that it was a good relationship but we were having many issues and that life made it complicated, so it was better to break up. I don’t know if I want him back because he became distant out of the blue, he didn’t call me or text me as much as before and he said “he was busy with his job” but I knew he had free time. I just want to know why he didn’t want to be with me if things were going well between us, I don’t know what my mistake was. I haven’t talked to him since we broked up, I deleted him from social media that day because I didn’t want him to talk to me. What did I do wrong in the relationship? Should I text him or should I let it go? Thank you, merry Christmas!!

First, I think it is important to understand how jealousy can work to your advantage. Since I am a male I feel I can explain my genders feelings towards this particular topic. In my opinion I think it is ok to get jealous. However, I don’t think it is ok to get overly jealous. If your ex boyfriend would get jealous every time you would talk to another man or every time you went out then I would say you should really revisit your thinking on getting back together with him. Nevertheless, I want to tell you an interesting story about jealousy.

You’ll have to decide if you still want him back. Since you’ve been on no contact, complete it first. It would seem like he does miss you to some extent so you could always contact him again when you feel ready.

Hey, Ryan. I was with my ex for almost three years. She broke it off five months ago. I was in a bad place at the time and was causing a lot of unnecessary discussions. I took care of my problems and I’ve been working on myself a lot since. I insisted on getting back together for the first two months, which didn’t work. We have kept in touch this time, but not in a flirty way. Plus she hasn’t agreed to go out with me. We saw each other twice on October, but she has declined to see me since. I tried no contact back in November and after 12 days she texted saying she missed her best friend (me). I started conversations and she said she was working on stuff of her own, but then started kind of ignoring me. For a while, I wished she would just shut the door on us so I could move on, and the fact that she refuses to do that makes me believe she still sees us together, though I don’t want to be seen like an option and that I’ll just run right back whenever she wants. I sent her flowers for Christmas, for which she thanked me and sent me a picture of them a week later out of the blue, but I didn’t make conversation. Early this year I asked if I could see her and she said no (actually says “not now”. Like I said, she always sort of evades being straightforward, and I don’t know what to make of that). I decided to get more serious with no contact. It’s been like 15 days and I’m getting the no contact “symptom” of thinking she doesn’t care/is trying to forget about me, etc. Is it too late to be doing no contact? What are your insights on her attitude of not giving clear answers? Thanks!

A few days afterwards, we spoke on the phone for two hours and had a great conversation. We talked for two hours, one about the relationship and what happened, and the other just general talking, laughing, and having fun. A day or two after that, I told her I had a date, to which she got kind of upset but tried to brush it off by acting “happy” even though I heard her cry on the phone. The date ended up being cancelled, but I feel like that might’ve been a step backwards.

This tactic is a little like flirting. The key to compliments are to work them in during your conversation over text. Knowing when to slip them in will depend on your gut feeling and the context of the conversation you are having. Here is a good example of a great compliment:

My ex and I broke up. I successfully did no contact for one month immediately after the break up and sent a follow-up text. In the initial first text I asked him in the message if he’d like to catch up for coffee, he said he it was too soon as he was struggling to find normality. I said I understood and we had a really good catch up chat via text. We have been texting almost everyday, good chats about friends, work, movies etc. I then asked him about a week or two later if he’d like to catch up for a drink he said he’s not ready to just hang out and it might be a while and he was sorry, but wants to stay in touch. He isn’t much of a texter even in our two year relationship. So I was a bit confused when he said no but I acted cool about it and said I understood and I’m happy to keep chatting (texting). We continued texting for about two weeks about random things and I got a fine in the mail I approached him about it cause I didn’t believe it was me driving (the fine was from a few months ago) and he said in a long message he remembered that day because I come over cooked for him and we had coffee in the park, he also joked in the message about a lunch we had made that’s still in his fridge and looks a bit dangerous lol. We sent a few more texts about our pet fishes and what not, seemed to be good. He said the suburb I was livin in now suited me 🙂 and then I said you should check it out sometime and he said yeah that would be nice :). So then a few days after that I said what is he up to this weekend and would he like to come check out my place/pool (he seemed to respond better to that then the coffee idea hence why I asked). But then he took two days to reply and said sorry he had a busy week and probably not this weekend and that he needs a pool at this place. Honestly at this point I felt confused so I replied saying ok when were you thinking to catch up as I will be away most of January? And he said he’s not in a huge rush, it’d be nice to see me but he feels he needs to find his own feet first and maybe closer to Xmas/New Years but he doesn’t know and not too rush it. I said it does suck but I understand and hope I catch you before I go :). That was our last text about 3-4 days ago and I’m not sure what to do now since I’ve asked to catch up a few times. I’m confused, I feel he’s definitely shown some positive signs, especially sending me some money for the fine even though he didn’t think it was him. My friends said I should just let him text me and not text him so I haven’t and it’s been a few days now. He was never much of a texter anyway but I’m not too sure what to do from here. Thanks 🙂

Dr. Heitler, what a great article! These are really good tips, I will definitely read this again before I see him. This is exactly the kind of positivity I want to emulate with him. I am very willing to put any pressures aside and just focus on trying to rekindle a new relationship where we trust and enjoy each other again.

Communication is what makes or breaks a relationship. Lack of communication is the source of all problems between couples and can have negative consequences as soon as you stop sharing your ideas and opinions. On the other hand, couples that  communicate effectively are involved in conflicts more rarely, and when they do have an argument, they use it as an opportunity to grow and find out something new about each other. Does your relationship need to alter its communication style? Take this quiz to find out!

You will need to begin by sorting your thoughts out. Even if there’s a chance, some distance is first required before re-initiating contact with your ex. Distance does not mean time frame of the breakup but rather, the amount of contact made during the particular time frame, and the changes you’ve made to impress her. Right now, she needs to deal with the emotional trauma of losing a child. She is pushing you away probably because you are unable to provide the emotional support she requires, and by constantly pestering her, you lower your own chances because she will eventually lose respect and feelings for you. I would still recommend no contact first, and to figure out where you need to grow as a person, before thinking about winning her back.

Peter realized that now, as an adult, he had more options than he had had as a child for finding solutions to his life challenges. Therein lay the hope for change, pointing the way toward healing. He could safely ask his therapist for attention.  His wife also did not intent to put him in a demeaning or emasculating position.  She just wanted change.

Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

That’s good Emily, initiate No Contact first and give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions or thoughts. He may very well be serious about the possibility of working out, but that’s definitely not something that can be achieved right now.

I am sorry if my reply was not very coherent. I do realize that I should not be so worried about what to send, that a single message can make it or break it, but at the same time that is what your website is about, the reality is that it does make all the difference.