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After saying sorry and explaing what type of relationship I really want i have done about 2 week long NC as suggested. On Christmas day to my surprise I got a Christmas greeting and my ex initianated a short conversation and this morningI got good morning greeting as it was a habit before breakup and it seems my ex wants to come over. I am very happy but my consern is that: I dont wanna be a doormat in long term. So I plan to initiate a converstation about the situation: I want to give it a try to a serious relationship with him but I dont want to be with him at any cost. Do you think it is appropriate. I mean I am happy that he comes or sg but I dont want to be just used and abused. Taking into account our past story it can be an issue.

It seems that relationships become completely different things over time. An initial relationship has completely different values from a ‘vintage’ relationship. Furthermore a relationship has different values depending on your age. When relationships being, both partners have a distorted impression of each other. They are high on emotion and are in the attraction stage thus those annoying little ticks that drive you insane are unnoticeable under all of the excitement. The middle stage is withdrawal. The chemicals start to ebb after about 2 years and this is where the rationalization arguments begin. Where you argue because you are irritated and project your withdrawal on to your partner because they are no longer on the pedestal that you yourself put them. Now this where most people say good bye, or sometimes through some sense of duty and loyalty they never resolve the problems they just endure them and the unhappy relationship continues. Some others they reach another plane of a relationship. Where that person becomes a part of you. You have gone through the withdrawal and now you are life partners you are one body. In this throw away world, not enough people have enough humility or self awareness to reach this level. They are too busy trying to find their next fix after during the withdrawal phase. Sad…

Few months ago I asked him tell me truth and I’ll walk away from you life , but he said I don’t have an answer and if I’ll deal my life’s troubles I’ll come to you to marry , but now live your life …etc, then he was keeping in touch sometimes , and now just silence from him. I gave up and don’t bothering him anymore too, I’m trying NC , also I disappeared from all my social nets, but I think it will useless in my case, he can’t solve his difficulties

Peter arranged to meet his wife for coffee. He brought with him his list of all the old habits that he now understood had been problematic in the old relationship. He also listed the new habit patterns he was building to replace the old ones.  

Me and my other half split up 5 weeks ago last sunday, he split with me 2 days after my 21st birthday. Yes he was my first love but I am completely smitten by him. When he broke it off with me he didnt give me much of a reason but gave me a kiss as he got out of my car. I got a text message saying “he doesnt want anything with me anymore, its a clean break and not just a break” but ive had no explination and im incredibly worried that he thinks the grass is greener. I made the mistake of texting him because i felt like i needed closure and he didnt give me that. After 2.5 years i deserve that right? He keeps telling people that hes “ignoring me to move on properly” and i just dont understand. 2 hours before breaking it off with me, he was telling me he loves me and misses me. And wrote in my birthday card “to my one and only” was this all a lie? Hes a very “led astray” person and his family like to drink and ever since this happened hes been drinking more, hes seen me once and not even made eye contact with me. He could never talk to me and convided in a mutual female friend who i now fear hes trying it on with. Hes getting on with his life whilst mines in the gutted. I really dont know if he loves me or has done for a while. Im so confused.

“How long am I expected to live like this? The days are VERY lonely. It’s an unbelievably depressing feeling to wake up and immediately realize that I’m not home, and have no friends or family to talk with … I get up, I meditate, I swim, I go to work, I eat, I lift some weights, I meditate again and go to sleep. Wash, rinse, and repeat. I’m not enjoying work (which would normally be a decent distraction), but feel I can’t quit, as I have too many financial responsibilities I have to uphold. I’m amazed I haven’t gone mad yet.

You could ask him towards the end of January instead since it might have given him more time to find his own feet, and at least some time has passed into 2018, giving you the excuse to ask him out to find out how things have been going so far this new year.

Thanks a lot for your advice. I’m just wondering if you maybe make it sound too easy by saying “5 steps to getting an ex back”… in my experience it can take months of work and still you may not win them back. Anyway thanks for the interesting read… Good luck all!

You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.

Getting dumped sucks. I feel for you but don’t worry we are going to take a look at your breakup and figure out the best way to approach things. Again, I want to reiterate this point- don’t assume that the reason your ex gave you for the break up is really why they broke up with you. This may sound a bit mean but you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and possibly look at things that may make you uncomfortable.

Peter did a lot of studying of couple skills on his own via books and a website.  At the same time, he had a therapist for guidance when he felt stuck and to help him with insights and deeper subconscious change.  Finding a therapy professional to help you through this kind of crisis can be helpful, provided it is a therapist who helps you to see and rectify your relationship mistakes.

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

The main thing you are trying to do with “remembering the good times” is to get them to think about the most positive aspects of your previous relationship. This means that you are going to have to be as positive as you possibly can.

Yes, I think for a relationship like yours, it can be easily mended if both parties work at their differences together. It’s normal for relationships to reach a point where arguments happen more often due to both parties inevitably taking each other for granted (by becoming too comfortable, impatient, etc). The issue here isn’t that you guys have differences and need space to think if the relationship is worth it, but rather to both sit down together and sort your differences out.

Are you up to date with the recent trends in dating? Do you still prefer the old-school techniques instead? What are some of the similarities and disparities in dating from different parts of the world? We’re not looking for any long term commitment, mind you.

At the same time, in most abuse situations that I have worked with it is important for the partner also to learn to talk cooperatively. If the partner is sustaining needlessly provocative dialogue habits, that’s a big mistake.

Unfortunately one day she stopped supporting my dreams, our relationship started to struggle and we ultimately ended 65 days ago now. We tried as friends for the last month of it but it wasn’t working and one night when I told her I loved her, she didn’t feel the same, and we ended everything. No talking, no reconciliation, we just stopped. She reached out a day after to say sorry but it didn’t go anywhere.

Yes if you haven’t done NC before, and have still been in contact with him through the 3 months, it might be better to actually proceed with the No Contact rule to separate yourself from the situation.