“Start talking again, and get your friendship back,” Phoenix writes. “Realize how much you’ve missed her! Not her in your arms, or her in your bed, but her as a person. She knows you so well, and vice versa.”

Break ups are hard. No one wants to go through them, and yet millions of people are dealing with them on a regular basis. If you want to avoid the issues that are related with breaking up with someone, you are not going to be able to do it. There’s no way to avoid it. If it’s going to happen, it will, and you will be left out cold. Now, there are ways that you can change things up. In fact, you could learn how to get your ex back. This is something that a lot of people will no doubt want to chase, and it starts with changing. You will need to change a bit, or else you will not get anywhere.

Imagine for a moment that you smoke and are really obese. If I were to put you side by side by a man who doesn’t smoke and is not obese and gave a very beautiful woman the choice between the two of you which person do you think she will choose?

Show her you’ve changed. You can let her see that you’re a changed man without shouting, “Look how different I am!” Just spend enough time with her to see that you really have changed your ways, if changing your ways was necessary. If she thought you were too messy, put an effort into your appearance. If she criticized you for always showing up late, make a conscious effort to show up early to your next coffee date. Don’t point out these changes; let her see for herself and she will be truly impressed.

Because he was feeling so much better about himself with his new problem-solving and listening habits, Peter was able to talk with his wife in the playful and engaging mode that had attracted her when they had first met.  Paulette was delightfully surprised.  She appreciated his clarity about the mistaken roads he had taken. She liked his vision of the new Peter.  She especially like the many ways that already he was acting in the new ways.  She felt for the first time in years that Peter was actually seeing and listening to her instead of locked in a narcissistic bubble.  

Whisper sweet nothings. An excellent way to flirt with your partner and send a clear signal that you’d like to be kissed is to whisper in their ear. Get very close to them and say something simple like, “Thanks for a wonderful date.” Your body close to them, your face by their face, and your breath on their ear are sure to ramp up the kissing desire![8]

Play hard to get. If you really want to win your ex back over again, then you have to play hard to get once you get back into her life. Sure, you’ve had coffee, maybe seen a movie, or have even gone back to texting each other or chatting on the phone every few days, but that doesn’t mean you should be completely available to her. You have to find the balance between making her think that you’re at her beck and call.

Try it out, exercise your agentic power, as Larry Becker would put it, take control of your emotions by way of your reason and your actions. And remember: you are not a Sage, but only a prokopton, one who (hopefully) makes progress. But progress is not linear, you will slide back. It’s okay, pick yourself up and keep going. Fate permitting, you have a long life ahead of you, rich in new and positive thoughts and emotions. In part, that’s up to you.

Think very carefully about what ended the relationship. This step is important for two key reasons: one, because you should think very carefully about why you want to get back together, and two, because the relationship ended for a reason, and if you want to get back together, you need to be prepared to address that reason.[2]

The reason I went to Florida is because I love the ocean. I love water. So thats where I find comfort. And thats the same exact reason my girlfriend is in Florida as well. I usually go to Honeymoon Island where is less crowded and watch the sunset and just reflect. I live near Chicago and we don’t have anything that is even close to what FL beaches have to offer but its what I got. So I’ve been going to the lake and really thinking, self-reflecting, mediating and praying for guidance and strength. And though all my meditations I cannot see myself with another person beside her. She IS the one for me. No matter how hard Ive tried to think about “life after her”, I cannot come to the conclusion that I can move on. As I did more thinking and mediating, I realized that though out of our 4 years together we both have the exact same wants and needs in our life. Yes not EVERYTHING is the same but the major factors that can make or break a relationship (location of residence, family, etc) was all the same. We both wanted the same for each other. And not even a few days before last Sunday she kept telling me how happy she is and that I am the perfect guy which made me really believe that everything was going perfect.

Read the signs. If your ex wants to get back with you, you’ll know. How did you know that he wanted you the first time? It’s likely that he’ll be sending similar signals your way. If he flirts with you, tells you that you look nice, lightly touches you, or just always asks what you’re up to or if you’re seeing anyone else, then yeah, he probably wants you back.

Basically, by not “pushing” at all for a month they have no reason to keep “pulling back.” In fact, by not being around them at all the gap that was created by all the pushing and pulling that happened in the past may start to close.

Having said that, though, both partners can certainly contribute to infidelity. It’s like, if you’re happy with your job, and a headhunter calls, you don’t even talk to them…but if you’re unhappy, the stage is set for talking and walking.

I met my ex eight years ago, while I lived abroad, fell in love and then realised she had bipolar disorder. She came back to England with me for a short while and then went back home, only to come back to study again. It was very back and forth for many years. We broke up, got engaged but then it fell apart again and we stopped talking as much. I met someone else two years ago and it was great, but I always felt this pull to my ex and never really let go. I went to see my ex on a number of occasions, thinking that I’d talk to her in person and know what was the right thing to do. I was never able to come up with the words, so it dragged on.

In order to be attractive you have to remove every trace of neediness from your life. This is part of the reason why you are not contacting your ex for a month – so you have time to overcome this neediness.

Remember that no contact is ultimately meant for you to pick yourself up and to create a version of yourself that would make your ex fall for you again. Whether she starts to move on or not shouldn’t matter, because she’s moving on from the image and impression she had of you before the change. As long as the relationship with her was meaningful, there’s always a strong possibility of her falling for you again if you seemed to have made significant positive changes to yourself, which captures her attention.

She made all kinds of excuses. That shes become very negative and it’s not just about “us”. I know I changed and became too forgiving to her when she acted bitchy (I should have maintained control), but I let her get the best of me.

I may do a review of the book you mention. If so I will reference your excellent comment. Thanks so much for writing in, and also for your encouraging feedback about my perspective of hope and attempts to change before writing off an abusive person.

If you contact her, talk with her like an old friend. Don’t feel desperate and don’t show any hint of neediness from your side. Act like you are completely fine and finally realize breakup was the best thing happened to you.

Hi…been with my bf a little over a year. We love each other very much, but we just can’t seem to get along. We’ve broken up so many times than end up getting back together. Now we’re broken up again. I want him back. He tells me we need a break and be friends. I love him and I want to get him back. Please help!

Don’t overthink it. It’s important to avoid falling back into old habits, but don’t spend all of your time obsessing about making the same mistakes again, either. Find a balance between enjoying your new and (hopefully) improved relationship and being wary of repeating the same mistakes. If you spend all of your time worrying about all of the things that can go wrong, whether it’s in a new relationship or during your second go-around, you’ll quickly sabotage your chance at happiness.

That being said, my opinion is that you are probably better off in a relationship that is not so emotionally unstable… I would advice you to go “no contact” for sometime… If she asks, tell her you need space and time to think things out. Hopefully she can respect your wishes… Use the time to reflect on what’s important to you and your life… If you could connect with hotter, cooler women, is your ex still the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you’re dealing with unresolved ex-related feelings, you’re probably looking to approach it in one of three ways: you want to get over your ex, you want to get your ex back, or you want to be friends with your ex. Each one has its positives, drawbacks, and no-go areas. So let’s break down what each scenario is like to make sure you’re choosing the right option for you.

Determine specifically what each of you needs and wants from the relationship. Ask, “What do you feel like you weren’t getting before?” and “What can we do to help you get that from the relationship?” Similarly, tell her what it is you need–without being accusatory–and figure out how the two of you can help you get that.

I am saying this confidently because I have apply these techniques when my first love broke up with me. I can’t tell exact reason for our breakup but after talking with Brad I realize one thing and that is…

My girl and I had been trying to figure out something to do for New Years. Her friends had asked what we were going to do, and I through out the idea of going to Atlantic City, in which they politely declined. Than I figured, what the hell, let us just go, and she started to say how she isn’t going to have the money for it since she will be heading to Michigan with family for the holidays and wouldn’t be working. While she I was away, all I could think about was ringing in the New Year with her for the first time. Things have been perfect. I have never been happier. She brightens up my world.

Keep the girl this time. If the date went well, and if there are more dates to follow, you need to make sure the relationship doesn’t end for the same reason if you really want to stay with this girl. If she’s a keeper, you must remind yourself that you have to continue making her feel special.

Commit to having a better relationship. If your ex-boyfriend takes you back, you both need to take steps to make sure that the same problems that caused your last breakup will not interfere with your relationship again. Talk to each other about what kinds of conflicts you have had in the past and how you could deal with them more appropriately going forward.[9]