Marriage Repair Advice
You will probably remember your wedding day as a day filled with love and joy. That was the day where you promised that you would be together for the rest of your lives, and you really meant it. Now, however, it looks as if you are heading towards being a part of the following statistics on marriage and divorce.
“Number of marriages: 2,118,000
Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population
Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.)”
This essentially means that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. You probably never thought you would be part of that half, but after years of arguing and bickering, it looks as if things are heading that way. This is a devastating realization and it often feels like a personal failure. While the situation may seem hopeless, the reality is that you can do a number of things to stop your divorce.
Why Do Divorces Happen?
The first thing you must understand is that there are a few common reasons for divorce.
“Lack of commitment, too much arguing, infidelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality, lack of preparation and abuse.”
Many of these reasons are actually things that can be resolved. Overall, the underlying thread behind these reasons is poor communication. By understanding that it is not all about you, nor is it all about your partner, but rather that the reasons for your upcoming divorce are down to mismanagement and poor communication, you will be taking an important step towards seeing that there is light at the end of the tunnel and perhaps even a way to stop divorce.
Let’s take a look at some of the best methods to avoid that divorce or permanent separation from happening.
Do Not Play the Victim
A lot of people have a tendency to victimize themselves when their partner tells them the relationship is over. While it may feel that it is all about you, or that you are being blamed for everything, pointing that out is counterproductive. You must resist the temptation to play the victim.
“Remind yourself of the positive qualities you can bring to a marriage, and figure out how to show them in their full colors. Pretty soon you’ll start believing in yourself more. Speaking of appreciation, strong people give out lots of positivity. Smile at your almost-e. Laugh at the almost-e’s jokes. Express affection. Share your gratitude for good things your spouse has done.”
It is about putting your best sides forward and believing in yourself. People pity a victim, but they admire a survivor. If you show that you are a survivor – without becoming arrogant and aloof by the way – then you immediately make yourself more interesting as well.
When a relationship breaks down, it is rarely the fault of just one person. In most cases, it is because of things that both parties have done that have caused its demise. You only have control over yourself, however, which means you can do no more but change yourself. And, relationship experts agree. The three words “I will change” are often the key to salvaging a relationship.
“At the core of how to prevent or stop a divorce is change. Refusing to change or not changing is the cause of all divorces. Being willing to change is how to stop a divorce. And one of the most important things we can change is our expectations.”
It is all too easy to list all the things that you would want your partner to change, but what about the things you can do? Remember that you only have the ability to change yourself, your ideas and your expectations. You may not know how to change, but being willing to do it means you will also be more open to potential help that is out there.
Touch Each Other
One of the things that made relationships so much fun when they first started was that you can’t keep your hands off each other. Of course, a lot of that was sexual energy, which is something you are likely to be in short supply of after many years of marriage and now on the brink of divorce. Now, simply touching each other can go a long way towards rekindling that love.
“Just touch in silence. Be quiet. This can mean sitting next to each other so your bodies are touching while you’re watching TV. The first time’s going to be awkward, so give it a few tries. Then move on to hand-holding. Then a massage – just the hands or feet. Then spooning in bed. Touching increases the hormone oxytocin and makes couples feel closer.”
Touching is very powerful, as you can see. You don’t have to expect to ever get back to the way things were when you first met. After all, releasing unrealistic expectations is an integral part of avoiding divorce. But you do have it within you to rekindle feelings of love, companionship and more by simply touching each other more often.
The Last Resort Technique
As the name suggests, this should really be seen as a last resort.
“In theory, this technique is identical to doing a 180, but you put it to use when your situation is extreme.”
If, for instance, your partner clearly really means it, if your partner has moved out or is sleeping in a separate room, or if your partner has actually filed for divorce, this technique may be beneficial. The technique is actually the same as what most people recommend to get your ex back. It starts with the no contact rule (or at least no longer discussing the issue if you are still in one property) for 30 days. During that time period, you need to work on yourself, both physically and mentally.
Then, you simply wait and watch. Your partner may have become interested again, in which case you can start over. Or perhaps your spouse will continue to stand by his or her decision, in which case you have already worked on yourself and are hence ready to move on.