I’ve been on both ends of this. The stringer and the stringee. Your ex may send you mixed signals or keep being undecided about what he wants. And you and your heart get bounced around like a ping-pong ball. Truth: Your ex may very well be confused, but he’s also getting his ego rubbed by you sticking around pining for him while he figures out if he wants to be with you or not. If the person stringing you along isn’t at least 99.9% sure he wants to be with you, leave his ass. He may be a master at giving you one glimmer of hope that sooner or later he’ll want to be with you, but in the meantime it’s your heart that is being abused, neglected and disrespected. Total dealbreaker.
When couples come together, your concept of identity joins. When you breakup, you are not only physically separated. Your identity now has a serious gap to fill. Keep this in mind as you try to get him back. This will help you avoid feeding into potential feelings of desperation.
It may seem like he’s being manipulated, but he’s an adult.. Unless there’s a gun pointed at him, every decision he made, he made it on his own.. And let’s say he is being manipulated, do you want a guy who can’t stand up for you, choose you or only chooses you when he’s having a problem with whome he’s currently with and then ignores you when they’re ok again?
Look, if you’re serious about this guy and you really want him back in your life, then you must change. Changing may not be easy, but it’s necessary if you want your relationship to be better than the last time. It’s quite simple. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing – you’ll keep getting the same results. So don’t expect a happily ever after, supercool happy ending if you aren’t willing to do things differently than you did before, otherwise you’ll just end up breaking up again.
What about evidence that my theories represent reality? If you’ve been using many of those behaviors I asked you about in the questions above, and you also got dumped, then the fact that both happened in your own life, and that I was able to call both out despite the fact I’ve never met you – that should be all the evidence you need.
Being proactive about your breakup early on will help prepare you for the later stages. Learn which are best techniques for getting your ex’s attention back, and for quickly making him need you again.
Just imagine a scenario where you don’t want to talk to a person and they are sending you a text message every 5 minutes. Your inbox is filled with hundreds of messages by them, even though you haven’t replied to even one. And later on at night, that person gets drunk and calls you and start saying complete and utter non-sense. What would you think of that person? Would it make you want to start a new relationship with them?
This is a great post, thank you. I just had my heart broken into so many pieces. He said he wanted to be engaged 4 weeks ago after a 2 year relationship…and then two weeks after that we broke up because “he fell out of love” and didn’t want to drag me through if he didn’t love me. He was abused as a kid and I think the getting closer scared him, and he hurt me so bad. I decided to stop talking to him today. I thought I was getting over it, but the wave of grief and self pity that happened upon deciding to sever communications definitely cleared that up. Anyway, thanks for that article. Everything and any little thing helps when going through this. As this is my first huge breakup, I had no idea there was a world of people out there experiencing such pain…I will never be insensitive again.
I would like to share a comment with the dr. I experienced the separate therapist scenario and you are correct. the outcome is most certain to be divorce as was mine. Also in response to Alice. I read the book the verbally abusive relationship and although some people are prone to abuse, the author, in my opinion does not share or give any inspiration as does Susan. The author empowers women who need validation to end a relationship without having to do any work or communicate with there partner how verbal abuse may be affecting them. It’s an incurable disease according to the author, and a very easy way out of a relationship, as well as a way to exonerate oneself from any and or even partial responsibility for divorce. I guess what’s most important is verbal abuse is prevalent and can do serious harm to ones self esteem. it’s not a death sentence and once it’s brought to light, talked about and understood, can make a relationship stronger. If two people want to be together! Most times once a diagnosis is reached by an unhappy spouse, it’s over and this book, as I said before, is the validation needed because once you determine you have been verbally abused your free to go and take no responsibility as the Author points out it’s the fault of the abuser who has a death sentence and there fore you must get away.
It is not always easy to want someone back so badly and see them in another relationship with someone else. I put this section together to give you some advice on how to handle what you are feeling. Remember, just because he is dating someone new doesn’t mean your chances are gone completely. Sometimes men need to go out with someone new to realize just how good they had it with you.
The most effective way to get him to come out and see you is by calling him. You can suggest meeting up for coffee or a drink, with the mindset that they’re a friend you want to meet up with, not an ex-boyfriend you want to get back.
SIDE NOTE: One thing I want you to see here is that to your ex or any other girl, your DMV/ perceived superiority is as high as your behavior makes it, and is only partially related to your job, income, looks etc. This is why no guy reading this has any excuse for not being able to become the kind of guy his ex wants for a relationship.
Watch for signs that your relationship won’t work. While you might have strong feelings for this person, sometimes two people are just not compatible. If your relationship is toxic, you need to move on rather than trying to win back your ex. Some signs that your relationship is troubled beyond repair include:
Wow! Sounds like things have really turned around for you. Once you learn how to break past his “commitment barrier”, everything else is a piece of cake! 🙂 Thank you for the kind words, your story is encouraging to other women.
So let go of over-thinking about the other. That’s part of what doesn’t work in relationships. Responsive is fine, Trying to guess all the time what the other person thinks or will do, that’s disaster.
Philadelphia Mayor’s Promise on Stop-and-Frisk Not Yet FulfilledThe promise to end stop-and-frisk was about the quality, not quantity. Given 69 percent of those stopped in 2017 were Black, the promise is unfulfilled.
What do I do I want him back so bad and just how everything happened so fast like very fast and him confusing me by his words and his actions not matching. My heart and gut feeling says to hold on but I feel so stupid and taken for granted and advantage of. We talk from time to time but not really I’ve seen him once since the Austin trip in person besides on messenger which he will call and then request a video chat. What do I do and has he really moved on since he’s ignoring me more for this girl?
Break ups cause grief, the process is different for everyone. I was married for 26 yrs to an emotional abuser with some violence but mostly mental abuse. The father of my two grown children and grandchildren who are my saviours. I think this marriage contributed to a feeling of low esteem which made me first reject close relationships as I was afraid of intimacy and thgt sex was the answer. I was single for 4 years just dating then I fell deeply in love with two men at differing time periods both controlling in different ways. One lasted 3 years and we are still friends after 17 yrs the last one was for 12 years. I am still broken hearted about my last love, he withheld love and let me down, typical not answering phone for days then I found out he had cheated and he just denied and denied it. Seemed to want me but would pull away if we got too close. However we were happy in each other’s company sex was fantastic and we enjoyed similar things. He never wanted to know my family and would prefer to spend vacation time with female friends and family without me. I left him 18 months ago and moved out of town new job and nearer my family. We continued to see each other long distance saw each other last 3 months ago. Mostly I initiated contact but he always responded. Says he’s missed me but does not want commitment,crazy huh when we had 12 years together (not living together tho). I still miss him still love him and don’t see that going away any time soon. I have male friends and could start dating but at 63 not sure what to do. He is 50. I just take a day at a time i go on holiday with friends. I have more happy days now than sad days but it has taken a long time to get to this point. I am very lonely at times but don’t want to get involved again at moment. I have acquired two beautiful kittens who have been life savers and I am less lonely now I have them. I have great friends and family but I don’t think I will be the same ever again. It is harder as you get older. If you are young be kind to yourself and take a chance on love again. Don’t waste years grieving accept the break up as soon as you can and move on you have your whole lives ahead of you .
If your plan is to hook up with some guy just to make your ex jealous, forget it. That is the most stupidest thing you can do. Do you really think jealousy can bring him back to you? If you do, you need to think again.
“I had been going out with a guy for about two years and he broke up with me out of the blue. I eventually threw out all of the pictures of us, plus his hats and clothes that he’d given me, and I deleted all his text messages and threw away his letters. When he texted me, I just ignored it. I started seeing other people and got over him! Everything happens for a reason!” –Kylie, 18
I have an exactly the same problem with you. It’s about his Grandma passed away, he hasn’t a job, I was perfect in the relationship,…. Everything is the same. Now I’m confused and I don’t know what I have to do.