Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a graduate of Harvard and NYU, is author of Power of Two, a book, a workbook, and a website that teach the communication skills that save and sustain positive relationships.  

So, really, the key to winning back your ex is to re-wire their subconscious perception of you. You want them to feel like they NEED you in their life, and stimulate the kind of strong emotions and feelings of attraction that will overpower logic or reasoning. If you do this properly, then all the reasons your ex has given you for the breakup will become meaningless or be forgotten completely. We humans are emotional creatures and we’re slaves to our sexual and emotional desires… so if you can stimulate those feelings in the back of your ex’s mind, then he or she will come crawling back to you asking for another chance.

So 2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years because I was nervous about settling down and had just graduated college and felt that I needed to be on my own for a little bit. The instant I broke up with him I knew that I had made a mistake but knew he hated me so much I tried to hide my feelings. Well now I can’t hide my feelings anymore and I am still in love with him and realized what a great relationship we had and brought the good out in each other. At this time he is currently dating someone else but we continue to speak weekly and say how much we miss and love each other. I am currently on the West coast while he is on the East coast. I gave him a decision earlier this year that I would move home to be with him. Well after many weeks of talking to one another and him telling me how unhappy he is in his current relationship, he said he can’t ask me to move home. I was devastated. I am actually moving home in a few weeks due to a family member becoming ill. Do I try to win him back when I move home or leave it as is? I know he still loves me and I still love him.

Being with my ex again in those last few months gave me something that our initial relationship never did: A sense of relief—of finally taking off the rose-colored glasses I had been wearing all along.

            At that point we husbands feel unjustly abandoned. We want to fix it by apologizing for something, but we are annoyed with her at the same time for leaving us. Unfortunately, a woman is not easily won back by a dozen roses and an apology. In fact, the more wounded she feels the harder she will make her heart to keep it safe.

That means that as you grow as a person, become more comfortable, confident, and happy, and gain perspective on the relationship, he’ll be sliding backwards into thinking about you, missing you, and ultimately wanting you back.

Now that you have your ex girlfriend back, all you have to do is keep working on the relationship and making it stronger. You need to work on developing a deep connection with her so she never even thinks about leaving you.

So me and my bf just broke up from a 3 year relationship. The first 2 years were really good. In this last year it’s been a little difficult we’d fight but always seem to work through it all. In the last 3 or 4 months it’s gotten really bad we live together so it makes everything a little harder. About 2 months ago he had gone to a bachelor party and a picture got put up on fb of him and this girl I of course freaked out and he apologized tremendously and blamed it on his friend (who I do not like because he wants to break us up) we got past the situation but then a few days after that we were fighting pretty much everyday. He says he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. He still cares says I’m a really good person and all that but he wants to see what’s else is out there. I’ve talked with his mom about all his and she has told me that his biologic dad was extremely bipolar. In the last month of fighting he’s been so back a fourth about everything one day he doesn’t wanna be with me then the next he does. ( that’s where the bipolarness comes out he can’t decide on what he wants) For me it’s been an extremely hard emotional rollercoaster. I know what I want from him and I know he can give it to me. In the last 2 week’s we broke up but bc we live together it’s been hard for me at least. He’s been out every night with his friends and when he is here it’s only to sleep and he sleeps on the couch he says hes moving out but has yet to make that move and I honestly won’t believe him till he’s actually moving his stuff because he’s said it so many times in the past that he was. I’ve been trying the nc rule but it seems like when I start to be ok with the situation he says something that pulls me back in. What should I do?

In most cases, your friends and family will tell you to just move on and forget about your ex. I wouldn’t say they are always right in doing so. However, if they tell you that you should try getting back together with your ex, then it means that the relationship with your ex is probably worth saving. Your friends know you better than anyone else and if they think that your ex is worth giving it another try, then it won’t hurt to try reconciling.

Second of all, if you truly accidentally bump into him, then here’s exactly what to do. Be upbeat, positive, and in a good mood while you’re talking to him. Let him lead the conversation and pick the subjects, and whatever you do don’t bring up relationships or your relationship with him.

To continuously seduce your ex, remember to stay true to what you love and to never ever try to do too much to please your ex either. It is way too easy to fall into one extreme or another; to either put your partner on a pedestal or to become disconnected from your relationship altogether.

A lot of times, people breakup simply because of circumstances. Maybe one of you had to go to another city for college or business and you didn’t want to try long distance. Sometimes, you wanted to try long distance but it didn’t work so you had to break up. If such is the case, then it is worth a try to get back together provided the circumstances have changed.

When you meet with your ex girlfriend very first time there were some psychological factors that attract her. Your behavior showed some attractive traits that attract your ex girlfriend first time and it is again your behavior that showed unattractive traits which make your ex girlfriend to break relationship with you.

When you first start no contact, you are going to grieve a lot. You are going to feel all the emotions that people going through grief feel. You will feel denial, anger, depression, confusion and obsession.

Either way, this breakup, no matter how painful it feels, is a wonderful wakeup call. A call to learn more about successful relationship skills so that you can have more loving, supportive and successful relationships in your life.

Yes, I know you are suffering from those painful and hurtful feelings of breakup that you never wanted to experience. I know how you feel when your ex girlfriend say she doesn’t love you anymore, I know how it did feel when you see your girlfriend dating, hugging and kissing to new boy. I know how you did feel when you saw dirty text messages in your ex girlfriend’s mobile from her new boyfriend.

Sure, both of those relationships happen to be with the same person, but the last relationship wasn’t working for you as a couple, so why would you want to resurrect that one? Your history together won’t just disappear, but the point is that now you’re beginning a new partnership with new and healthier emotional habits.

While it is important to not pursue your ex for a month or so, it’s okay to be responsive if he or she pursues you. In other words, if you get a call, don’t hang up on your ex or refuse to talk. It is not necessary to try to play mind games or play hard to get, and doing so would have the potential to push him or her further away, which is the opposite of your goal at this point.[7]

You already replied to the first part and then again to the second part of my situation, but I have an important update… This is LONG distance. I Have just moved to a new city and the earliest I could get back to see her would be the end of August… how should I proceed with your advice given the important fact that I have a new job for 3 years in a different city (2 hour flight apart from her). We talked about distance before we broke up and she said she wasn’t happy doing it for 3 years, and would possibly do it to start off but would want to move in… Then we had the ugly breakup I describe below. I would greatly appreciate input!! PLEASE. This is the first part, followed by your reply, and then the second part followed by your second reply.

If things felt awful, strained, and tense at the end of your relationship (which is very normal), then making sure your vibe is good is the best thing you can do. That way, he’ll be shocked at the difference in how it feels to be around you.

Relationships might end in a flash, but the feelings that were shared don’t dissipate at the same speed. Why? Because no matter what caused the breakup, the good things in the relationship are still good. And if they were really good, that will leave a space that isn’t easily filled.

        When a woman first seriously considers divorce she usually isn’t thinking about the theological implications of her desires – all she knows is that she is desperate to get away from her husband. She doesn’t arrive at this state of desperation by a process of calm deduction. She is simply reacting to the feeling that she “can’t take anymore.”  Her departure is typically a sign that she has hardened her heart towards the man to whom she once entrusted it. Likely, she has been hurt over and over, and finally decided she will tolerate no more emotional pain. Her leaving may have been an attempt to coerce her husband to change, but more often it has been a desperate effort to survive. She sincerely believes that she cannot endure any more heartache, so she has reached out and grabbed onto the separation like a drowning swimmer clings to a life ring.

Pardon my French but this is usually a bunch of horse crap! Your ex probably does not believe these words or types of statements. They are either trying to convince you to stop pursuing them; trying to make themselves think that they have moved on; or trying to prove to other people that you are indeed no longer together.