In this case it really is the classic line “it’s not you, it’s me.” This one can be a little harder to come back from but trust me it can be done if you are smart about how you approach the situation.
At the start, it might be better to avoid him so that you don’t have to deal with the negative emotions. Continue with no contact and even if you do see him, you could acknowledge him, but do not engage in small talk for the time being.
Me and my ex are both 20 years old and were in a relationship for a year. about 3 weeks ago he brought up the thought of wanting to break up, which surprised me. during the next two weeks we were kinda on a break because he claimed as being confused about everything and didn’t know what to do. then we met up again and he said he still isn’t sure whether we should break up or be together. he said that he probably doesn’t love me as much as i love him and that staying together might be a bad idea. i said that it’s probably best if we break up if he isnt completely sure that he wants me. so it was a kind of a mutual decision but it felt like neither of us wanted to actually do it. it is also worth noting that we are both currently very stressed as we are busy with college. we haven’t been in any contact for a week now so i don’t know what he feels right now, but i still wish that he would realise what he did and that he would want me back. i plan on not contacting him for a few weeks but I am afraid that he will work on getting over me during this time. when we were dating we used to take the same train about once a week. should i normally go on that train and just act friendly if i see him or should i avoid seeing him for a while?
I may do a review of the book you mention. If so I will reference your excellent comment. Thanks so much for writing in, and also for your encouraging feedback about my perspective of hope and attempts to change before writing off an abusive person.
She hasn’t moved on as far as I am aware but made signs that she was starting to get used to being “single” Therefore I consider this point in time the final attempt to salvage. I have dug deep and think she is worth it but want to avoid a repeat. She Will not firmly say it is over and avoids all discussion and attempts to get third party assistance or support. She still states she did nothing wrong. I think there could be undiagnosed mental health issues as the theme throughout the relationship has been there, just not quite right.
Start by not contacting him any further. Apply No contact to give yourself some distance from the situation and to give him space. Spend this time to work on yourself and improve your life. Right now he is dating someone else, and you should not interfere, because it will lead to him thinking you’re desperate and start getting annoyed or resentful towards you. If you really want to be with him, you’ll have to wait until he contacts you first, or if they break up. Doing anything now related to him will only push him further away from you.
It’s been a little over three months since my ex and I broke up. I’ve completed no contact and given my ex space, a task someone difficult because we work together. I never begged or been pushy did the right moves based on advice given on here and other places. She’s still will barely talk to me and will barely reply to text messages. Typically she’ll reply to the initial message, but getting a second reply doesn’t happen much. Back in September I purchased a Christmas gift for her and even though we broke up I still sent it to her on Friday. She replied thank you for the gift. You didn’t need to. Merry Christmas! Attached to the gift was a clean slate letter. She made no mention of it. I told her she was welcome for the gift. I asked her if she was going to be up for talking soon to clear the air. She never replied back. She isn’t seeing anyone, nor did we have a bad breakup. Since the breakup I have found out that she is mad at me about something I said but I don’t know what I said or who I said it to and she won’t tell me. We’ve had some positive interactions as of late at work, but she’s got a wall so high up now. Where do I go from here? Three months, no contact completed, clean slate letter given, space given, showed activity on social media sites as well and not much recoconcilation has occurred. What can I do? Or is it time to accept the fact that I’m not going to get her back?
Chances are that you are here because you are still very much in love with your ex boyfriend. If this is the case you will likely be wondering how to make him want you back. When you listen to your friend at this time they will be telling you to get over him and move on with your life. This is a lot easier said than done and not the advice that you want to hear right now. If you really do believe that he is the right person for you, then you will have to do some work and not be dissuaded by well meaning friends. If you are determined that this is what you want to do, you will have to have a good plan. With the help of the experts, you will learn how to make him want you back again and even make his love for you stronger than it was before. You have to be proactive though, so let’s get started.
That’s great to hear! Well to answer your question, respect is very subjective and the reason people start messing around with others isn’t so much out of the lack of respect in my opinion, but when a need or requirement in the relationship isn’t met, thus causing the person to seek it with someone else. It could either be physical needs, emotional needs, or others. If you want to avoid this happening in the future, you might need to ask yourself and think from her point of view and wonder why she cheated the first time around, and prevent it.
Peter did a lot of studying of couple skills on his own via books and a website. At the same time, he had a therapist for guidance when he felt stuck and to help him with insights and deeper subconscious change. Finding a therapy professional to help you through this kind of crisis can be helpful, provided it is a therapist who helps you to see and rectify your relationship mistakes.
My ex and I broke up. I successfully did no contact for one month immediately after the break up and sent a follow-up text. In the initial first text I asked him in the message if he’d like to catch up for coffee, he said he it was too soon as he was struggling to find normality. I said I understood and we had a really good catch up chat via text. We have been texting almost everyday, good chats about friends, work, movies etc. I then asked him about a week or two later if he’d like to catch up for a drink he said he’s not ready to just hang out and it might be a while and he was sorry, but wants to stay in touch. He isn’t much of a texter even in our two year relationship. So I was a bit confused when he said no but I acted cool about it and said I understood and I’m happy to keep chatting (texting). We continued texting for about two weeks about random things and I got a fine in the mail I approached him about it cause I didn’t believe it was me driving (the fine was from a few months ago) and he said in a long message he remembered that day because I come over cooked for him and we had coffee in the park, he also joked in the message about a lunch we had made that’s still in his fridge and looks a bit dangerous lol. We sent a few more texts about our pet fishes and what not, seemed to be good. He said the suburb I was livin in now suited me 🙂 and then I said you should check it out sometime and he said yeah that would be nice :). So then a few days after that I said what is he up to this weekend and would he like to come check out my place/pool (he seemed to respond better to that then the coffee idea hence why I asked). But then he took two days to reply and said sorry he had a busy week and probably not this weekend and that he needs a pool at this place. Honestly at this point I felt confused so I replied saying ok when were you thinking to catch up as I will be away most of January? And he said he’s not in a huge rush, it’d be nice to see me but he feels he needs to find his own feet first and maybe closer to Xmas/New Years but he doesn’t know and not too rush it. I said it does suck but I understand and hope I catch you before I go :). That was our last text about 3-4 days ago and I’m not sure what to do now since I’ve asked to catch up a few times. I’m confused, I feel he’s definitely shown some positive signs, especially sending me some money for the fine even though he didn’t think it was him. My friends said I should just let him text me and not text him so I haven’t and it’s been a few days now. He was never much of a texter anyway but I’m not too sure what to do from here. Thanks 🙂
last paragraph about having the time to get perspective on how we are together and what do we mean to each other. And that it has shown me I like the simplest of things between us and I want us to have a second chance. I like how everyday was little better sharing it with him. Few things like I like to hear him giggle, or tell him about my dreams/jokes and him making fun of it, or discussing cricket or a movie or some random thing in the world or hear him talk passionaltely about his nephew or a theory he has or some political party’s agenda. That I missed him. That I want him.
That’s good Emily, initiate No Contact first and give both parties some space to let go of any negative emotions or thoughts. He may very well be serious about the possibility of working out, but that’s definitely not something that can be achieved right now.
I decided to chime in here quickly, according to Kris S the girl did not really “cheat” on him but rather “messed” with fellow guy he didn’t like, AFTER the break-up. That act he considered unloyal and therefore he’s feeling not respected. In this case, I would consider this as a rebound relationship in order to get over the relationship with you, Kris S, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Eventually she’s free to do what she wants apfter the break-up and it has nothing to do with you but with her.
If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But at some point, you have to go out there and do something with your life.
the next day she uploads a picture we took of her and said thanx bae for picking out my dress. I asked her who she was calling bae, and she said a friend of hers , he calls her bae but they are just friends.
The whole point of No Contact is to avoid conversations with her, general or relationship wise until you feel more sorted out emotionally to deal with things rationally. The only conversations that is encouraged is if it’s a serious issue (financial matters, divorce paperwork, children, etc). You should tell her that you would like some space since the relationship has ended to work on yourself.
This ability to talk collaboratively, without criticism, blame or demands for change, is probably what accounts for the statistics that say that most couples who remain married over time become increasingly happy with their partnership.
i broke up with my ex cos he suddenly changed and wasnt making any efforts as before so its like i was fighting for our relationship alone. few weeks later i got into another relationship which definately was a rebound and now am not in that relationship anymore but he is in a relationship. i have practised the no contact rule even before reading your article cos i just really needed sometime to think. he has currently started talking to me and three days ago he came to my house and we had a few to drink that led to confessing our feelings for each other again.we eventually got intimate that night and we it was like old times. he kept on saying that he doesnt want to lose me in the morning when he was not intoxicated anymore. i have to say i love him and any single minute and spent with him means the world to me. since that night he has made sure he sees me after work but i am sure that other woman is still there. if we had not broken we would be celebrating our fifth anniversary. i dont know whether to believe he loves me or he has changed or he is just jealous cos damn i tell you i look good and i had to make sure i always look good for when he sees me he regrets losing me. please advice me on what to do. i am confused
Hi I’m lonely!! I moved outta state 2 yrs ago and just a couple of days ago my ex tells me out the blue he has a women but I’m still his friend.. I called him this a.m and he tells me he’s been with his nephew’s Auntie for 5 months and he cares for her…. Shud I move on or kp trying
Yes, there are certain rules even for your mini date/meet up or whatever you want to call it. As stated above, you want to keep this meet up as casual as possible. Don’t plan to meet over a nice dinner. I suggest getting coffee at Starbucks with chairs and couches where the two of you can just sit and talk. Another great idea would be to meet up at a park and go for a walk together. Honestly, the dates I have enjoyed the most wasn’t anything super romantic it was just when I was enjoying the company of someone else and walking around.
Going through a current period of separation from a 5 year relation ship and found this website very helpful indeed. I moved out after 8 months of abuse largely control , emotional and eventual physical against me. It was a slow painful devaluaion and discard.
I thought this deserved it’s own section because there is a lot to talk about here. During your no contact period I recommend that you go on a date…. with someone new! Yes, I am saying to go on a date with someone who isn’t your ex. I know you may be a bit hesitant but trust me it’s a smart idea. Here are a few reasons why.
Sorry to send a direct email. I feel I need a serious support from you. I’m 50. We’re having a wonderful relationship with the girlfriend for last six years with high intimacy and enjoyed sex to the fullest. She is 45. I’m having a wonderful family with two kids and she also got the same. But due to some doubts about me, she broke with me two to three times. But I’m able to manage her back and we started back normal. She is heading a division my company and I’m her boss. I brought her to my company to that position only after one year of the starting of our relationship. She is very capable and doing her job very successfully and additional responsibility for secretarial assistance to me. We are able to spend a lot of time together in the office and our families also in the good relationship.
My ex blocked me on Facebook and my number after a fight we got into about him by having time to see me. I apologized for being clingy and he told me in was hard to keep up with it. I know he’s divorcing and had a hard go of it, but is there any way he will come back? I feel like I lost the love of my life.
Your articles have been a big help. I (29 years old with past relationship experiences) met an almost divorced guy on dating app who lives in a city 700 miles away. I considered the dangers but it has been a while for him, he will be finally divorced in a month. We hit it off vert well, we discussed we were going fast, and we decided to continue but very slow. We mutually decided to meet also. The travel plan was for me to fly. And we booked the tickets 10 days in advance. On the day of flight, he messages me not to come. And then adds “Don’t bother replying or calling. Have good luck.” I suffer from severe anxiety and abandonment issues. So I was shocked but I still kept my cool, and tried to talk to him, figuring out what it means. He didn’t say anything until after I cancelled my flight in the evening when he succinctly says he is sorry but it is overwhelming. Now I know it’s more about him not being ready. But I also can’t stop wondering that I could have gone more slow, and done more things to make sure he doesn’t feel overwhelmed. But nevertheless he never replied anymore and it seems we are over. I am treating it as a break up. And plan to follow your suggestion of not contacting him for at least 30 days and then texting him. I have dated and been with some good men too with whom it just didn’t work. So I know the different connections and with this man I see a future. Not in a desperate way where I will act out of fear but in a way I know it’s a rare good connection. So I want it to work. When he is ready I want him to contact me. I want him to miss me, but like I said he is divorced and exactly after a month (my 30 day) is his divorce day. Now throughout our dating, he has always talked about his hardships about the whole divorce, once he was on call with me for 7 hours, on a divorce court date. He shared when he got the final divorce date too. So my question to you is that after my 30 day of no contact, it’s that final divorce court date when he will be finally free as he puts it. Should I do my first text on that date? Or wait for a few more days? I must agree I am worried to lose him. Because I am a little odd person. It’s rare for me to find a connection. I find it with him. But I remember your article about two kinds of people. I have worked hard at being the second kind, but my fears are very strong. So I am confused as to how I should approach the whole thing! Yesterday I was good in not texting him back a lot, until it was night when I sent two long messages spaced a few hours apart. Immediately after that he went invisible on whatsapp. I know it was for me. But I haven’t messaged him at all after that and I will not. That’s where your post helped me a lot. I really struggle in these kinds of situations. I do well if communication was very straight but it is not so often. I hope you can help me.
Get in shape- There is no argument that you can make to me to say that this isn’t a good idea. This is especially true if (no offense) you are a little overweight. However, even if you are a workout fanatic don’t let your breakup change that side of you.
At the same time, in most abuse situations that I have worked with it is important for the partner also to learn to talk cooperatively. If the partner is sustaining needlessly provocative dialogue habits, that’s a big mistake.
My name is Kevin, and I am here to help you through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex back will increase significantly.
I loved her, it was after her coming back for the 2nd time which triggered me to do all the critical thinking, and rebuild what im supposed to be doing. 6 months on, that little conversation, in addition to me still playing games(cut down alot, also been saving up,no infidelity) made her left me for the 3rd time.