I would like to share a comment with the dr. I experienced the separate therapist scenario and you are correct. the outcome is most certain to be divorce as was mine. Also in response to Alice. I read the book the verbally abusive relationship and although some people are prone to abuse, the author, in my opinion does not share or give any inspiration as does Susan. The author empowers women who need validation to end a relationship without having to do any work or communicate with there partner how verbal abuse may be affecting them. It’s an incurable disease according to the author, and a very easy way out of a relationship, as well as a way to exonerate oneself from any and or even partial responsibility for divorce. I guess what’s most important is verbal abuse is prevalent and can do serious harm to ones self esteem. it’s not a death sentence and once it’s brought to light, talked about and understood, can make a relationship stronger. If two people want to be together! Most times once a diagnosis is reached by an unhappy spouse, it’s over and this book, as I said before, is the validation needed because once you determine you have been verbally abused your free to go and take no responsibility as the Author points out it’s the fault of the abuser who has a death sentence and there fore you must get away.
So this is my story, I met a girl in college who is a couple years younger than me and throughout that year and the next we just had an unbelievable relationship. We would talk everyday and occasionally see each other on weekends. I knew she liked me through her friends and she knew I liked her, but we never were official boyfriend and girlfriend, but there were times when we both hinted at that outcome. I told her that I want her in my life and she wanted me to be in her life, but not in the same way. I texted her saying I couldn’t be just friends with her and that I’ll always have love for her because she was the first person I fell in love with in my life. 8 months ago I made a huge mistake and went over to her house back home unannounced and did it so no one would know I was there to drop off a handwritten letter after texting her; I went over to her house 3 times because the first two times I was afraid of what she would think if I did that when I hadn’t been over there before. This mistake backfired on me and she found out I had been stopping by her house a couple times before, and it creeped her out now she has blocked me on every social media accounts and I haven’t talked to her in 8 months. I’ve been thinking a lot about her like everyday morning, during, and at night before I go to sleep, and even dream about her. I know she isn’t my ex but in other peoples eyes she was definitely more than just a friend to me, and I want nothing more to have her back in my life, but I’m pretty sure she hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. What should I do? I moved across country for work, but found out some family stuff is going on that I might have to move back home to where she and I both live, and I know that once I do I’ll be reminded of the fact that I lost the only girl I cared about and it is killing me inside. Asking for advise on what to do, and if there is anything I can do to make her trust me again and hopefully someday have her back in my life
Dr. Gary Lewandowski developed this quiz because he found that an important part of love is a feeling of self-expansion. What is that? He thinks that when we fall in love it feels so good because it is a very rapid expansion of the self—we feel like a new person. We can do anything! The world is a… Read more »
Everyone deserves to be happy and you shouldn’t settle for less just because you’ve ‘invested 5 years into the relationship and it would be a shame to give it up’. If you genuinely want to give it another shot, go ahead, but if the abuse continues and she does not change, I would suggest you be fair to yourself and walk away.
Note also that therapy is virtually always more potent if the couple goes together for some of the sessions. Paulette, after initial reluctance, decided to schedule sessions with Peter’s therapist as well. They sometimes saw the therapist separately, and sometimes together which helped them to recognize and rectify the problematic patterns in their prior interactions. When both partners participate in a process of growth, the odds zoom up that the outcome will be positive for both of them.
“Yesterday, I wanted to read a novel that I have at home and, of course, the house is off-limits except at hours of my wife’s choosing. I could have phoned and arranged a time, but why am I always put in the position where I have to ask for something? It’s demeaning and emasculating.”
Hey Ryan, so I’m not worried that she’s seeing other people, atleast not yet. She didn’t date much before me and from everything I can tell, she isn’t dating much or at all right now. She initiated the breakup and asked to still be friends, but she’s got an icy demeanor towards me just about anytime we interact. She’s said that she’s mad at me but refuses to tell me what about. Something is bothering her but she’s not telling me and I promise I’m not calling her everyday, begging her or anything like that. It’s been a couple months like this and it’s after no contact ended, how can I get her to start communicating with me?
hey my boyfriend and I had just broken up 2 weeks ago after being together for 2 years, we have both 17. I’m from china but I study in the uk and thats how I met him. since I have got back after the break up, its been really difficult because I have to go to lessons and sit next to him. I feel so tempted to get back together or try to convince him back into a relationship. we both still care and love each other, but we couldnt be together because we argued way too much. I wanted to give it 2-3 months before we get back together so we both have got over all the negative stuff. do you think its a good idea? and how should I act around him when I know there is something more than just friends between us.
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As he saw the impact of his new listening skills Peter all the more conscientiously dug into learning all he could from his relationship skills book, workbook and online program. He realized that prior to the relationship breakup he had had no idea of what a high-skilled activity sustaining a loving partnership was. Now that he understood the potency of collaborative dialogue, conflict resolution and emotional self-regulation skills he studied intensely every night as if he was preparing for exams.
If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.
Thank you for your reply, he has not blocked me just deleted me, I got the impression that it was out of anger but I’m not sure. He has not blocked my phone number so should I message when NC is over?
At this point, he may feel confused, maybe even having lost interest in you. But he does not want to deal with the thoughts and emotions of it. That’s why he chooses to avoid this topic altogether whenever it is brought up, which may be reinforced by the fact that you do not pursue the matter whenever he says he isn’t sure. If you do not wish to walk away from this relationship, you should not allow him to give you further ‘I don’t know’s for an answer and ask him to tell you honestly how he feels.
Some people say that time heals all…or if not all, at least calms folks down so that they have a shot of enjoying pleasant interactions again. If you’ve been apart only two weeks, it might be a good idea to relax and rejuvenate for a while before you try to reconnect.
My name is Timea and I am 21 years old and had a long-distance relationship for 7 months. I am really glad that I have found your site, the NC wasn’t so lonely and hard as I was expecting thanks to your advice. You helped me a lot and gave amazing tips, that gave me unexpected results, so thank you very much!
This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But at some point, you have to go out there and do something with your life.
Broke up with your girlfriend? Wondering if she still has feelings for you? Wondering if you two should get back together? What are the chances that you two can salvage the relationship and is it worth it? Remember that no situation is impossible, I know from the loads of e-mails I receive that people are getting back together every day. This ex girlfriend quiz will help you figure out how she feels.