I think almost everyone who starts a relationship will at some point wonder is I should be the first to say “I love you”. And that’s a valid question.
While some may automatically think what difference does it make, others are legitimately concerned that being too soon to say “I love you” to the other person can send some bad signals or even scare someone off.
In today’s world, not everyone is in a relationship for the same reason. While the stereotype is that it’s the guy who may be only in it for sex, the truth is that gals can be the one with that incentive too.
Then there are the relationships born out of a need to “have someone”, or for “status” or just because a person is otherwise bored.
If the other person is “just looking for a good time”, then saying “I love you” can very likely put a scare into them and even drive them away.
Saying I Love You First To Someone Not Looking For Love
Let’s look at this issue first.
Suppose that you are looking for love in a relationship and the other person really isn’t. You say I love you first and they bolt out the door. Well, no doubt this is going to hurt unless you really did not mean what you said.
Perhaps we need to look on the bright side of this one and say “good riddance”. Not to belittle your pain, not at all. But it is MUCH better to endure a limited amount of pain now than get farther into the relationship and then find out the other person is just “in it for fun” or worse yet, taking advantage of you.
Chalk one up for saying I love you first.
Saying I Love You First To Someone Worth Pursuing
Now let’s take a look at the other side.
You are looking for love and so is your love interest. What happens if you are the first to say I love you to them?
It could be that they do not feel they love you, yet anyway, and in that case you are being clear, honest and up front. How can that be a bad thing? They can either admit their love back – maybe he or she was just too shy or unsure to be the first, maybe you just “beat them to it” – or hopefully you will flush out their true feelings.
Now, their true feelings may be that they like you a lot an just are not in the “love” category yet. That’s OK, especially if they are honest with you. And maybe they are madly in love with you and just didn’t want to “scare” you off! He or she could be relieved, even thrilled.
Or maybe they do NOT love you and really don’t think they will ever get there.
In that case, we HOPE to bring about a congenial and mutual end to the relationship before you “waste” any more time on them. And really this benefits both of you. A long term relationship is best built from the ground up, on a solid foundation, with both parties being in love with the other.
Let’s chalk another on up for being the first to say I love you.
Being The First To Say I Love You After A Fight
What about a relationship, even a marriage, where a fight or even just a slow love erosion has gotten to the point where neither of you say I love you to the other anymore?
Well, the same principals really apply here.
While it is very frustrating to be in a relationship where your spouse or significant other will not say “I love you” or, maybe just never initiate and I love you but only say it in response to you, we believe it’s a mistake to just stop saying it. Unless, of course, you don’t love that person anymore.
Being honest in a relationship is the best long term course of action, and we state this for benefit of YOUR HAPPINESS! Yes, some people play games in relationships and even thrive on love games, but we suggest you do not.
Any time you love someone, tell them.
You never know what could happen one day and find they are no longer there to tell – for whatever reason.
Could you feel foolish?
Yep, that’s a possibility. Maybe they don’t love you or maybe they are playing games. But if their response to your saying “I love you” results in embarrassment on your part, then you have just acquired a very valuable piece of information.
We suggest you use that information wisely.
We are often contacted by people looking for relationship advice when clearly they are in a relationship they should get out of, and often fast! Like it or not, some relationships are just not to be, not worth saving, or even dangerous, on occasion.
What Is The Risk Of NOT Telling Someone You Love Them?
Never decide not to tell someone you love them without considering what you are risking.
- Maybe they think, for whatever reason, that you should be the first to say I love you, you don’t, so they abandon the relationship, either by outright leaving or maybe just “emotionally leaving”.
- Maybe they are a wonderful person that just has a hangup about saying “I love you” or saying I love you first. Sure, this is something they probably should get help for, but if you love them and they really love you, do you want to risk a real loving relationship over such a small problem?
- Maybe you are “playing chicken” with the best thing you have ever had in life!
Our society often encourages and even rewards people for being liars. We, however, do not subscribe to that theory or strategy, and suggest you do not either.
While you do not necessarily want to go around with your “heart on your sleeve”, you can be honest with the people closest to you in life. And if often encourages honest behavior in return.
What You Should Do
Be honest with yourself first and foremost. Evaluate what you want out of life and love, and determine if the person you have a relationship with is the right fit for you and the life you seek.
Be willing to sit down and have an honest discussion with your significant other to talk about this.
Is this easy? Not usually.
Do you feel ill equipped for this process? Maybe, and that’s OK.
Life does not come with an instruction booklet, let alone love. Some people who appear to have life and love figured out are – to use a phrase from my kids – “just frontin’ it”. There is no need for you to feel bad about reaching out for help.
It’s smarter to get help when you need it than to fool yourself into thinking you don’t when you do. (Think plumbing on this one, if that helps!)
One of the best resources we have come across with regard to relationship help and advice is the Magic of Making Up. The wisdom contained in that extensive guide applies not just to making up in an existing relationship, but also in starting out a new relationship with the right foundation.
The author, T.W. Jackson, is personal acquaintance of ours with an impressive history of successes in helping relationships.
If you are struggling with a relationship problem or question, please leave a comment below or contact us and ask for help. We will be happy to do what we can.
