There could be more to it than that and you are right to be concerned.

This also could be a classic situation of “Man pulling away”. Don’t push him, it doesn’t sound like you are, but just make sure.

Please watch the video (about 55 minutes, I think) “Why Men Pull Away and Won’t Commit”. There is a lot of really great info there just in the video. T Dub is promoting his new program, but the content of the video is free and well worth your time.

Please let me know if that helps.

Best,
Will.

First, what I can say is that you need to be yourself, be the person he fell in love with. You can have compassion for friends without taking on their problems. That _could_ be part of it.

Maybe he is even a little immature? Making petty excuses is a child’s game.

One thing I might recommend if you have the time is to watch the free video about why men won’t commit (among other things). The video is kind of long (almost an hour) but I think you might pick up some good info.

(There is a sales pitch at the end, but you can ignore that and STILL benefit from the content of the video, it’s VERY GOOD).

Why Men Pull Away and Won’t Commit – free video

Hope that helps.

Best,
Will

Thanks for taking the time to write a comment.

I don’t know too much about either of you but from what you wrote I am guessing that both of you are fairly young?

What I am hearing is that maybe your partner is – how can I say this delicately? – showing some signs of immaturity?

Young guys especially are all excited to move in with their girlfriend because of the physical “benefits”; but notice there is no wedding ring and no “commitment”. That means they can leave any time they want. If that’s OK with the girl then I won’t stand in the way, but often the girl is actually getting used to a degree (I’m not saying that is happening to you because I don’t know enough about the situation or the two of you – just speaking from experience and in generalities).

The way for you to act is the same way you should always act:
1) mature and respectful of others feelings
2) caring, but not a “doormat”
3) honorable – don’t do anything foolish, spiteful or hurtful
4) remember that your life is important – so carefully consider what kind of person you want to be spending your life with, someone who brings you down or someone who lifts you up?
5) always be looking for ways to improve yourself and make a better life for you. If he hasn’t married you then you are no more committed to him than he is to you; a relationship will not work with only one of you caring if it holds together.

I hope this helps – again, since I only know so much I cannot speak to specifically or forcefully.

Please write back if we can help more or you feel comfortable providing more details. We can also use email if there are things you don’t want to post on this page.

best,
Will

I can tell that you are really committed to the relationship and trying to do the right things.

Him engaging in conversation one-on-one with another woman is just wrong. Yes, it can be “innocent” but how it makes you feel is just disrespectful and is “tempting the devil” so to speak, or playing with fire. So many times these side relationships will progress.

These are the conversations he is to be having with you, not someone else.

He has to understand that having that situation exist in the past (let’s hope it’s over) has cost him some trust, and rightfully so. Rebuilding trust is not easy, but he must be willing to do it if your marriage is important to him.

It’s OK to hang with guy friends, but I see so many instances where it leads to trouble (same goes with you hanging with girl friends). What are those friends really like, are they loving husbands or are they frustrated, angry divorcees – or single playboys? Whatever they are like, that is the influence he will get by being around them.

If he will talk, then explain to him that you do love him and you want to be what he needs in life and that he does need to commit to you and you are who he wants. Sometimes that means giving up contact with certain bad influences.

If you have children, he owes his time to you AND the kids. Other friends just may have to take a back seat until later in life. These are the choices we make in life. If you do have kids, make sure he doesn’t feel he is 2nd best in your eyes and never gets the attention from you that he used to because of the kids (Yes, I know, kids take time and zap energy – they are worth it, though!)

Try to look at yourself and see if there are ways you have changed since he first fell in love with you and wanted to spend time with just you (we all change, and that’s OK, but try to identify anything that may be “optional change” that perhaps he is not as happy about).

It can be a fine line between showing someone that you need them and rely on them yet are not “needy” and “clingy”. Always show that you are committed to him but showing some personal strength of character is usually seen by men as desirable.

Hope some of this helps, please come back and let us know.

Best,
Will

Thanks for writing about what is a very common issue in relationships; actually, many types of relationships and not just love.

When things are new, they are exciting. People are more exciting when you first meet, you have lots to talk about, share your life story up to that point in time.

From the physical side, you have infatuation that provides lots of “magnetism” but many times just superficial sex.

Transitioning to a loving, enduring relationship is where the fun becomes “work”. Being smitten is often just not going to last. Those who are together for long periods of time and still feel devoted and smitten are those who know how to look for and fall in love with those qualities in a person that are deep inside as part of them, but external.

I applaud both of you for discussing this issue(s). You felt comfortable bringing it up and he is willing to talk about it. That is something that does not happen often enough.

May I suggest that you both compile some “lists” and share and discuss them?

One list is the things you love about each other; why is it you want to stay with each other.

Another list is what role(s) you think you play in the relationship and what role(s) the other person performs. (define the motivation part you were describing, for one) If you are going to act as a team in life, then it makes sense that you adapt into the relationship and not just continue as you did when you were each single. That will take adjustment, though.

Also list those ways you see yourselves moving into the future, what you want to be part of your life going forward (yes, even a “5 year plan” of some sorts.

You need to make sure that each of you is comfortable with the goals and expectations of each other.

All of this, though, is dependent on the basic building blocks of love being in place and making sure you didn’t just enjoy 6 months of infatuation with someone exciting and new.

Hope this helps; please write back with how this works out.

Best,
Will