How To Make Him Fall In Love With Me Again

If you are one of those women who are in a relationship but you feel unloved or have had your boyfriend or husband break up with you, then take heart, this is for you. You still love him and want to know how to make him fall in love with me again.

There can be a lot of reasons why your guy does not love you anymore; in fact, he may love you but just does not show it. Has he left you yet? If not, there is a good chance that – unless you are just making life too good for him – he is staying because he does still love you.

Start by evaluating your relationship with him. Is your love for him real or are you just scared of the alternative? Make sure you are asking how to make him fall in love with me again for the right, long term reasons. Fixing short term problems in our lives feels good for a while, but hurts more in the long run.

Your goal should be a healthy relationship based on mutual love, respect and admiration. If you have all of that for him, then let’s move forward and reignite his love for you.

How has your behavior been so far? Have you been begging, pleading, nagging at him to love you? I hope not, but if you have, that needs to stop right away. Even step back from the situation a little bit and let things cool off. If you are married, I am not saying to leave at all, but just make sure you give him some space and do not aggravate him further.

How to Make Him Fall In Love With Me Again

Is there anything in particular that you know of that could have put a dent in the relationship or somehow cooled his love for you? Did you have an affair, change your appearance, do something to anger him?

Often times there is no one set reason that causes a man’s love to fade for his wife or girlfriend. It is pretty common for people to just get used to things over time and forget to have and to show appreciation for what is most important in their lives – sometimes even loved ones.

Initially there was probably a strong physical attraction that quite naturally loses its draw over time. Boredom sets in even with a Ferrari, so you do not have to take it personally. But it does require extra effort in the relationship to keep the spark alive.

As you go through this process you want to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. You need to eat right, exercise and even do little things for yourself so that your energy levels are high, you do not slip into depression and that you are able to put a smile on your face each day.

Happy, positive people are enjoyable to be around. Everyone wants to be surrounded by people that pull them up and not drag them down. Even in the midst of life’s most complicated problems you want to do your best to look on the bright side, count your blessings and find something to smile about.

Keep moving forward with your own life, too. Take every opportunity to show affection and care for your man but do not have him thinking that you are just there as a doormat, waiting to serve him or waiting for him to make your life better. We are each responsible for our own happiness, do not be waiting for him to provide that for you.

Go Back to The Start

Think back about when you two first got together. What types of things were you attracted to and vice versa – what attracted him to you? If some of those things are not evident anymore, can they be resurrected? Maybe a sense of humor that has been crushed by the troubles of life.

Everyone “does” more things when first dating, and usually that is an expense of time and money that can not be carried on indefinitely. But are there some activities that you always used to love to do together that you have not done in a while?

Perhaps if you cannot do some of those things you could bring it up in conversation or bring out some photos of you two in those happy times. Remind your guy of the good times you had together and indicate your willingness to have good times once again.

You want to make sure you are taking care of his needs physically and emotionally, just without the appearance of a slave. Yet at the same time do not ignore yourself and your needs. Be the person you need to be and that should remind him of the reasons he fell in love with you.

Maintain your appearance like you did when first dating. There are times for grunge clothes, sweats, no makeup and rollers, but make sure you do all you can with your physical appearance often enough to keep him looking at you.

The additional benefit of this is that you will feel better about yourself and project a more positive image to everyone around you. You may be surprised at how much better you are treated not only at home but at work or even running errands.

This is not the entire story, by a long shot, but it should get you started and give you even more to think about.

If you are really serious about finding out “how to make him fall in love with me again“, then I highly recommend you take a look at a great resource. It’s called the Magic of Making Up and it has now sold over 50,000 copies and helped women like you the world over.

It can change your life, save your marriage or get your boyfriend back. I highly recommend it.

Comments

  1. Will Scott says

    Diana,

    I would love to try to help if I can, is it something we can discuss through the comments here or should I email you (I don’t want to email without permission).

    Best,
    Will

  2. Joanna says

    me and my b/f of 5 years are breaking up he says he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. Please email

  3. Jeena says

    My boyfriend of 7 years and I broke-up. I am not doing well at all, even with the help of family,friends and professional help. I still love this man very much and want to repair the damage that’s been done by both of us to this relationship. He’s unwilling to work on it and just wants to walk away. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m in need of your assistance. Can you help me?

  4. Clare says

    Hi there, I was wondering if you could advise me on the problems I am having with my
    Boyfriend of five years. We had the most wonderful relationship in the beginning until he started his overseas education a year ago and things have been rocky ever since. I tried with best efforts to remind him of my
    Love and presence by sending him parcels containing gifts and letters occasionally. He is studying law overseas while I have begun my career as a teacher. It seems like at times he would get so carried away with lofty ambitions and thirst for money (although he is just a student at this point of time) and I would remind him of the need of humilty. I was afraid as this was the very man who once said that he would be happy enough having a simple life with me. And then there are all too many times when I waited by the phone or his calls only to have him return the calls hours later telling me that he was sorry and he was out with friends. Perhaps I’ve been too sticky but he used to be so needy of me. I feel like I am the only one working hard for this relationship. I really love him but he prioritized his Friends and work over me. The only times he seemed to need me are times when his friends are away or when he is feeling stressed. But I can’t help feeling that this is so unfair. He says he loves me but it’s hardly shown through his actions. I cannot recall the last time he gave me a gift. He failed to spend my birthday with me even when he was back in town. He’s returned this time promising to spend a lot of time with me. But this promise seems to be, once again, failing to materialize. How can I make him need me more and appreciate me more? I’m so unhappy but yet I can’t bear to lose him. I look forward to your email.

  5. Cole says

    My b/f of 4 yrs and I are on again off again…we have a 2 yr old and have had a rocky past. The spark has definitly died and I don’t know what to do. I want him to look at me the way he used to, and desire to be with me the way he used to…

  6. Emma says

    Hi, my fiance and i went to school together but never dated(even though he showed a lot of interest). Two years after leaving school he found me and never gave up until i gave in…. He loved me unconditionally. We have been together 3 yrs now and are living together with our 7 month old baby…. I dont feel loved anymore, he ignores me and parties with his friends ever so often(he usually never goes anywhere without me)…. Now he doesn’t even say”I Love You” something he use to say alot(so i don’t either)….Does he not love me anymore?? Should i take our child and move on??? Plz HELP….. I thought we would last a lifetime

    You can email me.

  7. Desiree says

    Im having problems with my boyfriend of only 9 months. We have been through a lot together already, we went through a rough patch where mistakes were made and we broke up for about a month, we got back together and have been back together for 2 months now. We recently had an argument about a past problem and he has since told me that he is unsure if he is in love with me anymore and needs some time to sort it out. I’m completely hurt by this because right up until he told me this he told me I was everything he wanted and that he loved me. It hurts because i’ve seen that he loves me, his friends have told me they see it and so has his mom. I don’t know if he’s using it as an excuse because he is afraid of getting hurt after what he went through with the first break up. Or if the reason he says the relationship isn’t the same is because for the summer we both live at home (2 hours apart). Where we were normally together every day at school. I’m just so lost and hurt by him and I need to know what is going through his mind.

    You can e-mail me.

  8. Cynthia says

    My husband and I have been married for over 2 years and together almost 5 years. He recently told me that he loves me and I am his best friend but he is no longer romantically in love with me. He has been feeling this way for 6 months and tried to deal with it on his own. Neither one of us wants a divorce, but we don’t know where to go from here. We will be starting counseling next week. I need to know how to break the ice and have him fall back in love with me. Any advice would be most helpful.

  9. Will Scott says

    Cynthia,

    Would love to help if I can, should I respond here or would you rather I email you?

    Best,
    Will

  10. Vicky says

    Hi, how are you? well, to make it simple, this is going for 5 years, im divorse, i met a married man that wanted to start a new life with me, he fall in love at the beginnig madly, i just wanted fun, it was very difficult since he said he will always loved me and keep saying it all the time. Finally i gave in and we started to look for another child ( he has two, i have one) we tried for two years with no luck, he never separated and finally came with the excuse that he loved more his daughters than me and was not going to separate, but that he was always going to love me. That hurt me a lot and decided to leave him During the realtionship i was always saying that what we had was just one of those lust things and i did not believe he ever loved me. I continued with my life and after a year an a half that we broke up, i still love him very much and like a month ago, i spoke to him to see how he was doing since i learned he was separating and he said again he will always love me but that he did not wanted to have any contact with me. He is finally separating but he does not want to talk me. I know he is hurt with his first decisiton and that a separation is difficult but do not understand why he is saying that he will always love me. He is a good person and very responsible man but i feel he is suffering very much and do not know how to approach to him. I believe we never truly had the chance to be together the correct way and will love to have that chance. How in the world you do that? i have tried forgeting him but he always comes back to my mind. I will love to keep at least his friendship so that i do not lose him as the very valuable person he is to me.

  11. Will Scott says

    I understand that this is really painful for you, and I am sorry to hear it.

    And I’m trying to not to sound hurtful when I say this, but, I have to tell you the truth about what I’m thinking:
    1. Often we find that the more adamant someone is in insisting something is true – it’s because it isn’t. This COULD be the case with him continually telling you how much he loves you. If it were true, he’d have left his wife.
    2. I’m not sure if I am understanding you correctly on the child, but my advice is to never try to have a child with a man who doesn’t commit to you with a ring and a commitment. That’s not only better for the child, it’s better for you and even better for him.
    3. Going back to #1, if he really loved you and he is now separated but doesn’t want to see you, I fear he was only with you for the fun – same as you (at the beginning) – only he is not honest enough to admit it (or maybe doesn’t want to hurt your feelings – and admit to the previous lies). It certainly seems he doesn’t appreciate what he has in you.

    Please remember, I don’t know all of the story so I could be very wrong, but that’s my impression after reading your comment.

    Hope that helps.

  12. lonely_girl says

    Hi My relationship with my bf happened so fast where been together just a few months when I got preggo.After I find out I was preggo he was in denial.I was so depressed but We were able to work it out foruntil my baby turn two months.he left me and saying that he doesn’t love me anymore and he wants mme to moveon.I was mad,devastated and depressed.I beg him to stay and try to work it out out for d baby.but he was so selfish that he only think of himself.Now his looking for a place for means the baby to stay.I atold him Im willing to change everything just to work things out.I love him somuch.hopefully you can help.me on what should I do

  13. secRet_jein says

    hi im having a hard time with my boyfriend’s cold treatment to me. it almost make me want to give up. we had been to a terrible breakup and i ask him back. he agreed to try to work things out between us, but he’s so cold and it really hurts me. what’s the right thing to do? i need help. thanks.

  14. Will Scott says

    I think you might be answering your own question.

    If he is cold toward you – and naturally that hurts, it would hurt anyone – why did you ask him back?

    People can – and sometimes do – change, but consider how much better it would be to be with someone who loves and appreciates you.

    Best,
    Will

  15. Vanese says

    Hi,

    Please help. Me and my boyfriend of close to 3 years are having the ‘time out’ period.
    I do not want to give up on this r/s at all. What should I do? He’s going out with his buddies more often, going places as and when he likes. What should I do? He claims he still loves me but I just don’t feel it. Please email me.

  16. Olivia Hart says

    Hi,

    I could really use some objective advice on this one. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 11 years now. We don’t live together, but I would say we have a pretty loving, stable, fun relationship. My problem is, that about 3 weeks ago, seemingly out of the blue he said those dreaded words: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” He said he doesn’t know what’s going on, but doesn’t want to break-up with me, because there’s still some love. I’m sure no third party is involved. What is interesting is, when this happened, he started a another job, and he’s always exhausted, could there be a connection? At first, I tried to be nice, cool, about
    it, hoping to see some improvement. I try not to nag him about it, but when I asked a few times, he said there’s no improvement, and he doesn’t know what will happen. By the way, the same thing has happened about 3 years ago, and his love returned. Although then I think he loved me a bit more. Could you please give me advice? Is there hope? What should I do? Thanks!

  17. Will Scott says

    Olivia,

    Yes, stress can certainly be a factor, but if so, then he needs help to realize that he is not living in a bubble, his life is interconnected with others.

    I just posted a new article, in part because of your comment:

    http://relationshipadvicehelp.com/blog/how-long-should-i-be-in-a-relationship-before-i-either-marry-or-end-it/

    Understand, the article is based on lots of questions over the years, but parts might be helpful for you – I hope!

    Let me know,
    Will

  18. Taiyan says

    Someone please help me…im in serious need of help with my live in fiance…. i dont want our love to faid..please someone with a serious deaire to help someone in need email me

  19. Shanice says

    My boyfriend and I juat recently broke up. I am almost 9 months pregnant with his child. He says I try to control him and that he wants nothing to do with me anymore, but loves his child. He has been hot and cold my whole pregnancy, the littlest things make him mad and he will fly off the deep end. I love him not just because he is the father of my child but because I truly care. Im starting to think it is hopeless. What do I do to make him love me again…please email me.

  20. Jadedheart says

    I am not really sure where to start and I am afraid it might be too late on both accounts. I am 27 years old and have been married twice and I am currently going through my second divorce. My first husband and I married when I was just 18 and he was 24. We have two children together, but they don’t live with us. We had sort of a “falling out” in our marriage. We seemed to have fallen out of love with each other and thus we began to see other people. I started to date this guy that I knew from the past and we became inseparable. My husband and I divorced and about 2 years later I married my second husband (soon-to-be ex-husband). Things were going great in the beginning just like my first marriage and then I started to feel like I was being loved or appreciated anymore. We tried many times to make it work and even went through counseling, but nothing was successful. I still love him but he told me that he no longer loves me. We have been separated for over four months. I am back together with my first husband and I currently live with him, however I can’t seem to let go of my second husband. First husband and I dated 3 months and we were married for 5 years, second husband I dated for 3 years and were married 1 and 3 months. I love them both. The first one cheated on me and we couldn’t trust each other. The second one I cheated onhim and he cheated on me to get even. The first one and I have re-established that trust, but the second one says he will never trust me again. I don’t really know what to do. I have seen or spoken to the second one in over four months and I have tomeet wit him on Wednesday. I need your help. Please email me. I will give you more information if needed.

  21. Elizabeth says

    I been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, he always been good to me and to my to kids from previous marriage. He has a facebook account that I don’t have access to see and I start noticing that he was adding a lot of girls, I ask him why he was adding girls that he didnt even know and he never had and answer and block me at the begging of the relationship I ask him to add me to his friend and he play crazy never add me. Now 3 weeks ago we have and argument cuz I told him why he had his ex fiancé on his friend he got really upset and stop taking to me for few days then one they we talk and he told me that he was tired that he love me but that he was confused that sometime he feels like wants to leave the house it’s been three weeks and we talk but it’s more like roomates , I ask him if he wants to leave he told me no, but that now he don’t know what he wants he acts really tours me and the kids, I love him so much and his a good guy just lately it’s been getting a lot of call from his old buddies to go out, so he told me he don’t want lose his friend, I’m so confused and scare to lose him how can I fix this.

  22. Will Scott says

    Elizabeth,

    You can “fix” it by just accepting him as he is and letting him use you… but I do NOT recommend that for your sake.

    A good, long term relationship is built on trust, not secrets and suspicion.

    He doesn’t want to leave you because he is getting what he wants and has not found anything better..yet.

    I know this sounds hard and is not what you want to hear, but you need a good man who you love and can trust AND who will love you and not give you ample reason for continuous suspicion.

    Look at it the other way around:
    You have obviously committed to him, but it doesn’t sound like he has committed to you. I’m curious if you are concerned that if you lose him you won’t find someone else? (This is very common, especially since you already had children).

    The truth is likely that you deserve someone better than you think you do.

    Think about all of this and let me know.

    Best,
    Will

  23. Liz says

    My BF of 2 yrs told me he loves me but is not in love with me. We have a four month old together as well as a blended family. I know i havent appreciated him enough and ive been working on that. he says he wants to be friends (work on being friends) for our kids sake and to see where it goes. He works with a girl he says hes attracted to (which makes me so jealous) and i knew men like confience but its hard to stay positive when u know there is another woman. we are currently living together and looks like we are going to be for atleast a couple more months. I want him to stay. I love this man with all my heart and dont wanna lose him! Please help me … email please

  24. Brittney says

    My boyfriend and I have hit a rough patch in our relationship. He questions my love for him and talks about how he misses the feeling of being in love. How can I give him that feeling again and show him how in love I am with him at the same time?

  25. Lisa says

    Hello anyone that could help it would be great. I have been married for almost 10 years. We have to little boys and he said that he has always cared and still loves me but isn’t in love with me any more, due to finding a very young 27 year old lady with no kids part time job. He just turned 40. Everyone tells me its a midlife thing that all guys do. So he moved out into this young lady’s house, that we rent to her. He comes up every night to help with the kids and anything that needs done around the house. He’s always texting her. He just bought a house 3 houses down from are home now. He tells me he still cares so much about are family but just isn’t in love with me. I have asked him to pack somethings and give us (kids n I) space and he tells me he can’t. I find him still looking at me the same way he always has. This has been going on for 3 months and we r lost with out him. If anyone has any ideas to help with feeling of lost love. That would be great.

  26. Anna says

    Hi,
    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have a one year old son together. When our relationship began, it was very passionate, we fell very deeply in love, very quickly. For about the last year, I have felt like he has been drifting away. He still tells me he loves me, but I dont feel it, well, as much. I don’t feel wanted or needed. When I talk to him or ask him simple questions, the way he looks at me and answeres me, it makes me feel like he is annoyed. He works a terrible shift at work, so he isn’t home much, and when he isn’t working, he is out with his friends. I have tried everything i could think of, from letting him do whatever he wants, trying not to care, to trying to spice things up with sexy outfits, or sending him sexy pictures and messages through out the day, to leaving him sweet notes in his lunch just telling him how much I love him.
    I have found inappropriate pictures from women other than me. When I confronted him about them, he blew it off and blamed me for snooping. I can’t get thoses images out of my head.
    He told me he would never do anything to hurt or break up our family.
    I feel torn. I love him so much, and want our relationship to work, but I don’t want to fight for something that he doesn’t want to be a part of. Any advice would be helpful! please e-mail

  27. Mel says

    Hi

    We’ve been together nearly three years it was very intense and the beginning and we’ve had a couple of rough patches but we always work it out. This time it feels different, he wont talk to me we’re still living together but I’m sleeping in the spare room. He tells me he loves me but he’s unhappy and he thinks I’m unhappy in the relationship too. I’ve suffered with bouts of depression since I was a teenager and have an under active thyroid which means I’m prone to it. When I’m sad I can’t explain to him why and he doesnt understand depression at all. I push people away and shut them out, this is what i’ve done to him. He’s also coping with an elderly mother in the throws of dementia, I think perhaps one crazy person is all he can handle.
    I’ve kept people at a distance since my father died when I was a teenager, he’s the first person I ever let in my first love at the age of 29.
    He’s struggling, I see the signs of depression in him I really want to help him but now he’s shutting me out completely.
    He’s said he wants a break for a couple of months and then we’ll see what happens with our relationship – I think he’s already made up his mind. Yes, i’m heart broken I cry eveytime he talks about a future without me – but he said whatever happens he always wants me in his life.
    I know I need to be strong for him and accept what he decides but it’s just so hard.
    He say’s we havent had a proper relationship for ages, our sex life has been almost non-exsistant because of the way I feel again i pushed him away.
    I feel like i’ve created this, that I’ve made this happen and i’ve got no idea haow to fix it. He knows I love him deeply but I just dont know if thats enough
    any thoughts would be appriciated, I look forward to an email.
    thanks

  28. katherine says

    I need help with my boyfriend. I am pregnant and before i told him that, he told me he wanted to break up and now the only reason he is stay is because he wants to do “the right thing” but i dont want him to stay just because of that i want him to love me like he used to

  29. Summer says

    I really could use some advice. My situation is similar to many of the above posts. My husband is so stressed and overwhelmed by life and work and financial responsibilities that he is just miserable. He says he still loves me but he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. We have been together for 11 years and married for 6 1/2. We have two small children together. We have been having issues for a long time now. He ran into a young lady about a year ago whom he knew when we first met. They became friends as she wanted him to help her work on her image, ( he was a make-up artist for may years). She has feelings for him and he doesn’t understand why their relationship is inappropriate. They used to flirt alot until I told him how much it hurt me. Now he says he likes her a little but he doesn’t know what he wants. He feels like he is trapped and unhappy and does not know how to feel happy again. He says he does not want to leave me for her and he really does just want to be friends with her but I just can’t handle that when I know it goes deeper. He thinks he might want to try being separated for a while and see what happens. Is there any hope that he will come back to me and want me to be the one to make him happy? I of course love my husband dearly and I have made my share of mistakes in our relationship like neglecting him. Please help, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am stay at home mom who has not worked in 7 years and don’t know how I would take care of our children, one of whom has epilepsy. PLease help.

  30. angie says

    My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me claiming he doesn’t love me anymore, but we used to have the most intense relationship (with many ups and downs) since we first met, and we used to be deeply in love with one another. I love him still very much and can’t bear the thought of him never feeling love for me again or never wanting me back again. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 weeks, don’t know what to do, and as i said i don’t want to accept that the love is actually lost. what can i do? You many email me, thank you

  31. Liz says

    Hi I am having some issues. If you could please email me that would be awesome. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  32. ashley says

    I have Bern searching the internet for months trying to figure out what I can do to save my marriage. I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore and initially it was my fault. I have genuinely changed but he doesn’t seem to care. I really need help. We have been together 11 years and have 2 children. He shows no interest in saving our marriage but turned around when going to get the papers. I left and he asked me to come home. This makes me believe that he still wants to be married but has some doubts. Please help me.

  33. Will Scott says

    I would agree, it’s not good long term to have him stay just because he feels he has to. That will lead to resentment, among other problems.

    Years ago a priest made the statement, “Don’t make one mistake just because of another”.

    Not knowing more about your circumstances all I can do is ask what has changed since he loved you before, and did he really love you before.. or was it just physical attraction? Love that is fleeting may have never been love.

    Try going back in your mind and seeing why he fell in love with you to begin with and whether there is something you can do to return to those circumstances.

    Feel free to contact us with more details and we will try to help further.

  34. Will Scott says

    You are right that his relationship with this other woman is inappropriate.

    An analogy that a man might understand:
    Suppose you own a new Mustang GT, paid for. Likely you will be VERY happy. That is, until you start stopping by the Corvette, Camero or Lamborghini dealerships. Even though your Mustang is incredible, the grass is always greener, as they say, and nothing has the appeal of something (or someone) new.. until they aren’t new any longer either.

    While I can only imagine your daily workload taking care of your children, try to always reserve time for your husband..just as he should reserve time for you.

    What you can perhaps do is just simple acts of kindness toward him. Maybe make food he likes (or a treat like cookies). Fathers often find that they end up eating (or not eating) what their kids like (strange flavored ice cream instead of Rocky Road or whatever). They find ‘their’ stuff pushed to the back of the refrigerator.

    Maybe the wife throws out his favorite recliner because it doesn’t “go with” the new furniture she wanted.

    An overstressed husband can really appreciate a neck rub or other acknowledgement by his wife that his life is rough too. Some women think the man has it made because he gets to leave the problems of home and the kids every day go off to that fun office or work place. Again, the grass is always greener.

    If you start doing the things you should do as a wife, you might find that eventually he starts doing what he should do as a husband. (Why Should I Be The First To Change is a good book)

    Being separated is probably a bad idea, as you already know.

    The best thing I can think of is to treat him the way you want to be treated, be patient – never nag (even if he deserves it) and do your best to let your love for him show through.

    Hope this helps, contact us if we can help more.

  35. Will Scott says

    If you want to provide some more specifics, please use our contact page and we can email back to you if you like.

    Yes, it does seem that he may still want to save your marriage; let’s hope so.

    Getting a spouse to forgive your mistakes or past transgressions can be very hard, it may be asking to rebuild trust, depending on the circumstances.

    Show your love in simple, every day ways and do not smother him.

    Let us know how we can help.

  36. Andrea says

    My boyfriend and I were together for 4.5years (we don’t share a home together or anything). He broke up with me because he couldn’t do long distance with me for about 6 months. We went through a week of debating this to eachother, because he previously promised me he would be able to do it. He kept changing his mind. One of those nights I was very very angry and acted a bit crazy in front of him and his friends – i embarrassed both of us a lot by doing this. I decided not to leave overseas in the end, and said he wanted to stay with me. But a few days later he doesn’t want me anymore, but says he’ll always love me. I’ve begged him, I know that was bad but I couldn’t help it. I know he’s done wrong by me but I just want him back.
    What can I do? Please email.

  37. cynthia says

    Me and my boyfriend of almost 5 years now are having serious problems. We recently broke up because I didn’t want him to start talking to his ex.girlfriend. Well turns out he forgets about her and since we are technically broken up hea been sleeping with thur girl for almost two Weeks…she does more for him like lapdances and sex in public places. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me and for some strange stupid reason I still love him. He says he’s confused and he doesn’t know what he wants…what ever that means…I am stuck in such a rut. And it’s not like I’m boring…I give him sex and bjs like almost everyday…im open to 3soMs and all that shit..why is he doing this?? I need help please!! Feel free to email me.

  38. Stephanie says

    My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He said its not the same anymore and he doesn’t love me as much as he used to. And he is tired of trying. He said he will give it one more week but he wants his space. Is there anything I can do to get him to love me the way he used to again? :(

  39. Ashley says

    I’m not sure how current this page and content is, seeing as how I merely googled the words: “Has he fallen out of love with me?” in a simple act of simple desperation (for now, thankfully, this feeling is in its early stages, not quite hitting OMGDESPERATE point….yet.)

    I had a very successful, happy life as a teacher and professional performer (singer) in Tennessee. I was stable, independent, and had responsibilities I cared for, as any adult does. But to join my recently relocated family, and finally abandon a very physically and mentally abusive relationship (of 8 years), I moved to Southern California. I have resided in San Diego for one year, and have yet to find a completely stable career. I have a health problem that demands health insurance, so I am currently in the process of obtaining government assistance, until my higher education and persistence result in my landing a great, stable job. Obviously, this process would take its toll on anyone.

    And it has. On myself, and my live-in partner. He and I fell in love one year ago, very shortly upon my moving to his home state, and we moved in together a couple of months after dating. I hate to be cliched, but he was a large reason that I felt able to ‘live again’, and found the strength in myself to regain all of the self-worth I was born and raised with, that was torn down for many years by myself, and a very abusive partner.

    My boyfriend and I still live together. We moved into an apartment (of his choosing, as his lease was up at his former residence and he wanted this particular unit) when I had a stable position as a 3rd grade teacher, with the agreement that we would help one another financially (bills/food/etc). My school closed, and I have since been applying and interviewing on a daily basis, desperate to find work. I have finally obtained aid from the government, on a temporary basis, in the form of food stamps and Medi-Care (I am 28, but must be medically observed due to a deficiency in blood).

    My family life is…..bad. I am close with my mother, perhaps too much so, and my father and brother are drug/alcohol addicts who care only about themselves. But I am terrified for my mother, so I continue to ‘assure’ that she is alright by involving myself in her life. And vice versa. I know, however, that this is unhealthy and we should detach to some degree. But this is my life, every single day, and it is a reality that is one I accept, because it is what it is, and every negative situation has a turning point eventually.
    I try not to blame myself for my current situation, but I am starting to lose the self-esteem I had finally regained.

    I do not know how to continue faking a positive facade anymore. I do everything I feel I should to make my partner happy (cooking, attempting to de-stress him as much as possible, general support), but I know that my current state of instability is tearing us apart. I am more than terrified of losing him, because that will relinquish the last of my control on my life, and I will lose not only the thing that makes me smile, but my support system. I can tell he is becoming fed up with this situation, and understandably so, as he comes from a mainly financially and generally stable background, and has not experienced anything like this.

    Please help. I am afraid I am just not trying hard enough, and any advice is helpful. I do not know what will happen if I should lose this one solid thing in my life, that I worked hard for. But, honestly, it doesn’t look great

  40. Ashley says

    I should have added a little more background info (because what was above just *wasn’t* long enough! :p):

    28 years old
    Former professional teacher/singer/model (still currently volunteering and seeking regular work in all of these capacities)
    No children – no desire for children until completely stable
    My mental state is what one would expect it to be.

  41. Will Scott says

    Time to prioritize.

    If you “lose it” then you are no good to anyone.

    It would be great if you could help out your mother, but she has made her own mistakes in life and should be in a better position to deal with them.

    If your relationship is what’s important to you, then set aside – temporarily at least – that which is harmful to it. Explain to your boyfriend how important he is and what he means to you. Also explain the pressures you are under.

    Losing him is NOT the end of you, however. And if he leaves you because you cannot do for HIM, then perhaps he is a bit selfish. He should be willing to support YOU in your time of trials, too.

    Don’t become over self centered but remember what they tell you in the airplane about the oxygen masks: “the only way to help someone else is if you put YOURS on first”. Make sure to take care of you; then and only then can you be of any good to anyone else.

  42. miranda adams says

    So I’m in highschool young and in love. But about a day or so ago he broke up our relationship. He said he just wasn’t happy anymore. Like it didn’t feel right. He said there isn’t another girl and he still cares about me and will always love me. I’m really confused about this whole situation. We are still friends and text all the time but nothing feels right. His friends say he is upset and he said he isn’t happy and is still trying to settle in on the whole situation. But then he says its better to move on and the sooner the better. I honestly can’t picture my self with anyone else. Its no longer a wnt its a need. He knows I’m hurting. And he isn’t or is very good at hiding it. I’m still being as sweet as possible to him , making him feel good about everything. But he doesn’t want to be with me. Please help. I don’t know what to do. My friends say I should stop talking to him to make him miss me but I don’t know if that’s the best way to go about things. I want him to be mine again , please help me make that happen , the sooner the better ):

  43. Will Scott says

    Miranda,

    I know it’s tough at your age to imagine, but in 5 years you may wonder how you ever were attracted to this guy. (I actually have some different lyrics to Katie Perry’s song “The One That Got Away”)

    People change SOOO MUCH from high school to their mid-20’s that I personally recommend against young marriages (and young serious relationships). They almost always turn sour. And while marriage isn’t on your mind today, feeling that you cannot imagine yourself with anyone else….?

    College can mean you both go different directions, jobs can do the same thing.

    Does that mean you can’t enjoy a relationship with a guy in high school? No, not at all. But be careful taking it to the point of being serious (or risking pregnancy). Not only do girls mature faster than boys it is fairly rare for a guy that young to REALLY understand what love is all about. What they understand is DATING (while their parents are paying all their bills) and always angling for the physical stuff.

    I’m sure you have been told this, but some guys will say ANYTHING to get a girl to do what they want. And to them, it likely doesn’t mean that much.

    If I were you I would continue to treat him the way you would want to be treated; all the while allowing yourself to think of OTHER opportunities that WILL arise also. He doesn’t want to be with you then trust me, you ultimately will NOT want to be with him.

    Be with someone who wants you as much as you want him AND WILL TREAT YOU ACCORDINGLY! You deserve to be treated with respect.

    Best,
    Will

  44. michelle garb says

    I’m engaged for two years now and planning to have a wedding this year (August 5). Not only are we planning but we’ve made reservations and most of the deposits are made. I even bought my dress and we rented a town house together that is in a remodeling process. In my culture it would be really shamefull to cancel the wedding after so many years engaged and so much money being spent on the wedding preperation, and everybody, literally everybody already knows they’re invited to our wedding. He’s a great guy and I wouldn’t want to lose him because I feel that he is the right person in my life and for my future. However, our relationship has become very stressful recently. First of all, I don’t feel any attraction towards me. Honestly, I feel like the only thing he wants from me is sex and he remembers about me only when he wants sex. He is super cold towards me in any other cases. Before he would listen to my advises, now when I start mentioning his mistakes in general not in our relationship, he disrespectfully turns his back as if I don’t exist. I would never mention his mistakes ( I know it hurts in a way) but we work together and I always want him to be the best and when I see he does something very rudely wrong that his supervisor notices but never tells him, I simply have to tell him, it’s for his own benefit and besides nobody else would tell him that for him to correct his mistakes. In my culture we celebrate March 8 as an internation day of women and he didn’t give me even a single flower just txted happy march8. He didn’t give me nothing for Valenties and for Christmas either. He just txted me that he wants to come and see me ( which means he wants sex) I said no because I’m really hurt after March 8 ( I was expecting to much to get a single flower at least a single note. He txted me back that he is extremely disappointed in me because he never thought that he would be marrying someone who’s not passionately attracted to him and we fought… I honestly don’t know what to do, please help. I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time I can’t tolerate his ignoring behavior

  45. Will Scott says

    Michelle,

    I can feel your pain. I know a lot of people set to be married consider calling it off but are afraid of the embarrassment.

    One question, though, is how does your culture view divorce? Or as an alternative to divorce, a life of emotional pain and anguish for you?

    I know that I only know what you have written and know nothing else about this man. But if you notice in the text above you say he’s a great guy but then describe somewhat detestable behavior.

    He does not respect you, but merely treats you as a possession. My fear is that one day he will find someone else to satisfy his physical needs and discard you altogether.

    Is a man who treats you with such disdain really deserving of your love and respect? Do you think things will somehow get better from here? What if they get even worse after you are married (a real possibility, I fear, especially if he thinks you cannot leave him)?

    He sounds as though he expects you to treat him as God’s gift to you while treating you like something he could go buy in a store.

    Please consider what type of man you want to be married to for the rest of your life and re-evaluate your thoughts of this man in light of his behavior.

    Best Regards,
    Will

  46. kat says

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over 7 months now. It was wonderful in the beginning, we got along, we had fun, we really clicked. We’ve been going through a rough patch for the past month or so however. I have been depressed and let down due to the fact that I am not where I want to be at this point in my life. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and caring. Lately, he’s withdrawn and become distant. We talked about it and he told me that I don’t take enough iniative in the relationship. That I look to him to find the answers. Which I have. That he is no longer smitten with me but he still loves and cares for me. I had lost my motivation and become comfortable because I had him. We are still together and he said he’s willing to work on the relationship with me in order for it to grow and for us to get past this. My concern is that even though he’s stated that, it feels like pulling teeth and extremely difficult to get past these issues. I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle to bring him out of the funk I have initially caused yet when I look around, he’s still there even though he may not want to be. How do I help bring him around and become smitten with me again?

  47. Jane says

    My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. He and I have always had a good relationship and enjoyed each other’s company. However, over the last few years he has stopped spending much quality time with me and would rather go hang out with his “guy friends”. I never complain about it and I just deal with it. I always felt like he was just hanging out with his friends and not doing anything wrong. Well, I recently found that he has been talking to a woman over the phone for about 1.5 months. I am sure he was meeting her too (although he swears it was just talking). Once I uncovered it an confronted him, he told me he would stop and not to bother him about it anymore. As I evaluate what has gone on over the last couple of months, I do notice his lack of affection towards me, his lack of playfulness, and that he says “I Love You” but it is rushed and kinda feels just like words. I don’t know that he has really stopped talking to the woman (although he says he has), he just isn’t using his cell phone anymore. If I ask about it, he blows up and says that he doesn’t want to talk about it because he isn’t talking to her anymore. So, I have been trying to leave it alone, although to be honest, this was the last thing I ever thought he could do to me and I feel like I can’t trust him. He still is not showing much affection but he says he doesn’t want to leave or be with her. I just feel like we are disconnected and I don’t know what to do to get back to how we were. I love him with all my heart and I don’t want us to break up. I am so afraid I am losing him, and honestly don’t know why.

  48. Will Scott says

    Hi Kat,

    Thanks for writing about what is a very common issue in relationships; actually, many types of relationships and not just love.

    When things are new, they are exciting. People are more exciting when you first meet, you have lots to talk about, share your life story up to that point in time.

    From the physical side, you have infatuation that provides lots of “magnetism” but many times just superficial sex.

    Transitioning to a loving, enduring relationship is where the fun becomes “work”. Being smitten is often just not going to last. Those who are together for long periods of time and still feel devoted and smitten are those who know how to look for and fall in love with those qualities in a person that are deep inside as part of them, but external.

    I applaud both of you for discussing this issue(s). You felt comfortable bringing it up and he is willing to talk about it. That is something that does not happen often enough.

    May I suggest that you both compile some “lists” and share and discuss them?

    One list is the things you love about each other; why is it you want to stay with each other.

    Another list is what role(s) you think you play in the relationship and what role(s) the other person performs. (define the motivation part you were describing, for one) If you are going to act as a team in life, then it makes sense that you adapt into the relationship and not just continue as you did when you were each single. That will take adjustment, though.

    Also list those ways you see yourselves moving into the future, what you want to be part of your life going forward (yes, even a “5 year plan” of some sorts.

    You need to make sure that each of you is comfortable with the goals and expectations of each other.

    All of this, though, is dependent on the basic building blocks of love being in place and making sure you didn’t just enjoy 6 months of infatuation with someone exciting and new.

    Hope this helps; please write back with how this works out.

    Best,
    Will

  49. Will Scott says

    Jane,

    I can tell that you are really committed to the relationship and trying to do the right things.

    Him engaging in conversation one-on-one with another woman is just wrong. Yes, it can be “innocent” but how it makes you feel is just disrespectful and is “tempting the devil” so to speak, or playing with fire. So many times these side relationships will progress.

    These are the conversations he is to be having with you, not someone else.

    He has to understand that having that situation exist in the past (let’s hope it’s over) has cost him some trust, and rightfully so. Rebuilding trust is not easy, but he must be willing to do it if your marriage is important to him.

    It’s OK to hang with guy friends, but I see so many instances where it leads to trouble (same goes with you hanging with girl friends). What are those friends really like, are they loving husbands or are they frustrated, angry divorcees – or single playboys? Whatever they are like, that is the influence he will get by being around them.

    If he will talk, then explain to him that you do love him and you want to be what he needs in life and that he does need to commit to you and you are who he wants. Sometimes that means giving up contact with certain bad influences.

    If you have children, he owes his time to you AND the kids. Other friends just may have to take a back seat until later in life. These are the choices we make in life. If you do have kids, make sure he doesn’t feel he is 2nd best in your eyes and never gets the attention from you that he used to because of the kids (Yes, I know, kids take time and zap energy – they are worth it, though!)

    Try to look at yourself and see if there are ways you have changed since he first fell in love with you and wanted to spend time with just you (we all change, and that’s OK, but try to identify anything that may be “optional change” that perhaps he is not as happy about).

    It can be a fine line between showing someone that you need them and rely on them yet are not “needy” and “clingy”. Always show that you are committed to him but showing some personal strength of character is usually seen by men as desirable.

    Hope some of this helps, please come back and let us know.

    Best,
    Will

  50. Natasha says

    I have been with my partner for 1.5 years, and up until recently I thought things were absolutely fine. Then out of the blue we had a huge argument as he implied he couldn’t see us together in a years time and that he didn’t know if he wanted to be in a relationship. I stayed with some family for a couple of nights and finally came home to talk with him, He then proceeded to tell me he had missed me so much that he was unable to think about what he wanted so was still unsure. He also told me how depressed he had been feeling and that it was clouding his judgement.
    I want to be supportive of him and help him get through this but I feel as though I m walking on eggshells and it hurts a lot to Love someone who isn’t sure they love you back. Part of me feels that he is just scared to break up with me as it would make everything so difficult. I love him a lot and really need some advice on how I should behave in this situation, it seems that every time we talk I end up being a miserable crying wreck. I would hate to wait around for him to realize tomorrow that he is happier without me.
    I have tried to spend quality time with him but he has made no effort to reconnect with me at all which makes me think deep down he wants to end things.
    Thanks Natasha

  51. Will Scott says

    Hi Natasha,

    Thanks for taking the time to write a comment.

    I don’t know too much about either of you but from what you wrote I am guessing that both of you are fairly young?

    What I am hearing is that maybe your partner is – how can I say this delicately? – showing some signs of immaturity?

    Young guys especially are all excited to move in with their girlfriend because of the physical “benefits”; but notice there is no wedding ring and no “commitment”. That means they can leave any time they want. If that’s OK with the girl then I won’t stand in the way, but often the girl is actually getting used to a degree (I’m not saying that is happening to you because I don’t know enough about the situation or the two of you – just speaking from experience and in generalities).

    The way for you to act is the same way you should always act:
    1) mature and respectful of others feelings
    2) caring, but not a “doormat”
    3) honorable – don’t do anything foolish, spiteful or hurtful
    4) remember that your life is important – so carefully consider what kind of person you want to be spending your life with, someone who brings you down or someone who lifts you up?
    5) always be looking for ways to improve yourself and make a better life for you. If he hasn’t married you then you are no more committed to him than he is to you; a relationship will not work with only one of you caring if it holds together.

    I hope this helps – again, since I only know so much I cannot speak to specifically or forcefully.

    Please write back if we can help more or you feel comfortable providing more details. We can also use email if there are things you don’t want to post on this page.

    best,
    Will

  52. Taylor says

    I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. In the beginning it seemed as if we were the happiest people on the planet, and as we got to know eachother better we fell more and more in love. We never fought, everytime we saw each other we couldnt help but smile. He is my support system, and I am his as well. We became serious and talked about our future together and imagining the future made us even closer. But it seemed as if over time, we started to drift apart. We’ve been through so much together; through my best friend being diagnosed with cancer, and my other suicidal friend. I had become depressed, feeling as if I had taken on their problems to try and fix and ignoring my own. And he understood. He was there for me through all of it, telling me he loved me and how much of an amazing beautiful person I am for being there for these people. Since then, he has become quiet. He is not willing to spend time with me unless I ask first. He always makes up excuses on why we cant go on dates, and is always with his friends. I am always the one to say “I love you” first. He never compliments me anymore, and is not open about his feelings with me anymore. We seem to fight more and more and I feel as if he do not feel the same way about me as he used to. I feel as if I am no longer important in his life, and that maybe he no longer loves me the way that I love him. I guess I’m just very confused and I want to know what I have to do to fix it. He is the love of my life, and my bestfriend. I dont know what I would do without him, (yet he has only mentioned breaking up once, and that was a few months ago). I’m scare, confused, and don’t know what to do.
    Thank you, Taylor.

  53. Will Scott says

    Taylor,

    First, what I can say is that you need to be yourself, be the person he fell in love with. You can have compassion for friends without taking on their problems. That _could_ be part of it.

    Maybe he is even a little immature? Making petty excuses is a child’s game.

    One thing I might recommend if you have the time is to watch the free video about why men won’t commit (among other things). The video is kind of long (almost an hour) but I think you might pick up some good info.

    (There is a sales pitch at the end, but you can ignore that and STILL benefit from the content of the video, it’s VERY GOOD).

    Why Men Pull Away and Won’t Commit – free video

    Hope that helps.

    Best,
    Will

  54. Em says

    I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he has gotten into sort of a slump lately. He has been very stressed and depressed about his Career and says that he is his number one priority right now because his job is important. I understand jobs are important. We had talked about getting engaged for at least two years, he has given me his deceased mother’s jewelry and has taken me to meet all of his friends and family who also have even started calling me Mrs. His last name. All of a sudden these past three months he has become distant and cold towards me and says it is not my fault but that he wants to live life just one day at a time now because he does not know what the future will bring. He also says that since he is moving out to a different town from me for his job (back to our home town) that he doesn’t know how things will work out. He will be living with me foe 3 to 4 months until this happens. All of a sudden last night he tells me he needs a break and that he doesn’t know how Long it will be so that he can figure things out. He also says, “Feel free to date other people and I might do the same because sometimes I think about it.” After he said this he has been texting me every day this week so far, even though I am out of town visiting my parents. When he texts me first and I ask him questions about our relationship he will not reply but he will reply if I ask questions about anything else. Including our “daughter” which is our little black kitty cat. So far we have talked every day during our “taking a break” time and I have not been the one to initiate the conversation 85% of the time. Last night I had a pizza delivered to him as a thank you for watching the cat and to let him know I love him. He called but was answering my questions sounding like a teenager pissed off at his mother; you know that tone. I told him that maybe us taking a break would be a good thing because he would either miss me and realize how much I love him and how much he loves me, even if he goes on dates with other girls,

  55. Em says

    Or not miss me and realize that he was too immature for a relationship. I honestly believe he is just going through a phase like most guys do because he still says I love you once in a while even though we are not intimate and have not been for a couple of months. Does it sound like our relationship still has hope? Is there anything we can do together to help him fix his stress? I adjust overall confused because men are just so weird to me. Obviously he may regret acting the way he is right now someday. I just overall don’t know what to do to make this work.

  56. Will Scott says

    The stress of a job, moving can certainly take a heavy toll.

    There could be more to it than that and you are right to be concerned.

    This also could be a classic situation of “Man pulling away”. Don’t push him, it doesn’t sound like you are, but just make sure.

    Please watch the video (about 55 minutes, I think) “Why Men Pull Away and Won’t Commit”. There is a lot of really great info there just in the video. T Dub is promoting his new program, but the content of the video is free and well worth your time.

    Please let me know if that helps.

    Best,
    Will.

  57. Candace says

    I’ve been married for 3 years. I felt alone, unwanted, and uncherished for the last two years of our marriage. We have been to counseling for communication issues… But when we lost what would’ve been our first child last year, I felt even more alone… He didn’t even remember the anniversary of the baby’s death. It was like he viewed it as a tragedy that happened to me, and nor us.

    I felt pushed further & further away… We both have gained a considerable amount of weight. As a woman, I blamed myself for the loss of the baby because of my weight. He started spending time online playing video games with a young lady he considered to be a younger sister. He assured me there was nothing going on. I believed him. Still do. But I begged, and verbally asked for him to invest more time into our marriage, and asked specifically for more “attention.”

    He was frustrated, and thought there was no issue, and refused to go to counseling with me. This made me feel my feelings were invalid.

    I reconnected with a “friend” from my past; someone who actually broke my heart, as I was interested, but they were not. My husband was aware of that situation before we married. The guy was out of sight, out of heart, and out of mind…. Until recently, he resurfaced, and was telling me all the things I longed to hear at home; making me feel appreciated, adored, attractive, etc. But… I knew I was wrong for even having conversations with him. Text turned into phone convo, phone convo turned into meeting face to face, twice. A kiss happened. The guilt was beyond overwhelming… I felt like an idiot. I am an idiot. I couldn’t let it go any further, so I stopped all communication. I confessed to my husband. He cried… wept, and said he doesn’t even wanna look at me, and will NEVER want to kiss me… He was devastated, and forced me to say I “cheated” on him… I didn’t feel anything for this person at all.

    I know I’m wrong. I have no idea how to fix this… Will he ever forgive me? I don’t want to lose him. He means the WORLD to me… I love him, he is my best friend, but HATES me now. How do we recover?

  58. Morgan says

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for what would have been 3 years on September 25.
    He broke up with me yesterday.
    Within the last few months he confided that he was ‘bored with me’ and he was unhappy. I thought it was all okay since he seemed fine and later told me that he just needed to appreciate the smaller thing in life.
    Then two weeks ago he asked if he could try and fool around with another girl who also had a boyfriend. I gave him permission because he told me it wouldn’t be love and it would make him happier. All he asked in return was that I didn’t bring it up. It started to really hurt when I realized he was pulling away further. I would close my eyes and see them together but I figured it would get better.
    I typed out a message to show myself how silly I was being and accidentally it sent. He left me because I couldn’t keep my agreement to keep my nose put of it. He says he doesn’t want to have to worry if what he is doing is wrong if it makes him happy and he doesn’t want to worry what I’m thinking. He still loves me and I still love him.. But he was genuinely hurt that I couldn’t get it through my head that he doesn’t love her.
    He has said that if she leaves her boyfriend for him that he won’t come back to me because she hasn’t betrayed him and I have. I don’t know how to deal with this or restore his faith that I am a good woman.

  59. Roseann Garza says

    I’m an 18year old who has been with my boyfriend for 3years now we have a daughter and since I was about 5months pregnant things just haven’t been the same e argue so much about anything. its hurtful most of the time its gotten to points were we have hit eachother. when we had meet we were so close inseparable, we had so much respect for eachother. I was in dance team he played football everything was great we hit it off right away the happiest memory of that wonderful day. BUT then he was kicked out of home and had to sleep in the back of my moms suburban because we had no were to put him in the house I begged my mom for weeks to let him live with us because he had no home bit one day I was using his phone and found on a site he had there were messeges to and from other girls every night flirting talking in ways you shouldn’t when you have a girlfriend already. I was crushed the sadest I have ever been. but we stayed together we moved to a mew house with my mom sisters he had his own room as did I . I got pregnant and he moved back with his dad knowing I was pregnant we would talk for atleast five minutes a day if I got lucky. he was once again kicked put and moved back with me he had no job for about 2months the baby was coming and finally he got one we had ower daughter and he is sucessfulley working. with all the emotions and work we don’t have time to be into eachother (well I do) but he just dosemt and it makes me feel so left behind forgotten objects can’t buy love. when he looks up things behind my back it males me feel worse I feel ugly unworthy and discussting. I just don’t know what to do to keep him happy and to only look at me. please help me!

  60. sandra says

    Hi, I will try to be as brief as possible…I’ve been married 9 years together 14 years….we’re in our early 30s we have a 6 year old daughter. My hus and I used to be very close and happy for years until I regained memory of my stepfather molesting me for about 7 years as a child. Iregained this memory when I went away to college and my hus and I were still dating. Long story short it devastated me in a way that I never knew possible. I killed me so to speak. Even though my hus was so supportive during this time, I took out all my pain on him for years. After therapy and spiritual healing I finally brought myself back to life. I apologized to him profusely about how I treated him. Now for the last 2 yrs my hus thinks back and decides he didnt like how he was treated and is very bitter and resentful towards me. He says he still loves me but he doesn’t seem to like me anymore. He deliberately does hurtful things and then say things like “you did it to me”. Everything I try to do to show him I love him he rejects and says I’m not doing “anything”, he says that unless I go out of my way to show him how sorry I am , he feels like he wasted his time and took all that abuse for nothing. He says I still treat him the same but I don’t its just that now he does things on purpose(staying out all night, not coming home, no affection, doesn’t take me out) to get a negative reaction out of me so he can say “see I knew you didn’t change”. I think this is very unfair but then I think ” but I started this by hurting him”. Is he ever going to forgive me? What do I need to do to win him back and love me like he used to?

  61. Christy says

    My husband and I have been together for (mostly) 19 years, married for (mostly) 16. I say mostly because 3 months ago he left me saying that he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore and that he wanted to be able to do what he wanted, when he wanted and not have to worry about anyone else. 3 weeks after the separation he came over for dinner so we could talk about things. He said he still wasn’t sure if he loved me, to just hang in there and give him time. He hugged me when he arrived and before he left and was in tears as he left. 3 weeks later he told me that he didn’t love me anymore and wasn’t coming back, again in tears because, and this is a direct quote, his ignorance was hurting me. He said that he knew he didn’t love me anymore because he didn’t think about or miss me and if he had, he would have come back. Several weeks later I asked him if he would consider dating me – kind of like starting over to see if the love returned. He said he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone at that time so it wasn’t an option. He was enjoying being alone and doing what he wanted, when he wanted. I have done my best not to contact him, giving him his space, and our only real communication is his weekly text letting me know which of the household bills I should pay as nothing has changed as far as our bank account or household bills. This weekend as I was shopping in a local retail store I heard someone say, “Hey!” When I turned around it was him. He chatted with me for a while, smiling the whole time. I was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day – I mean, he could have walked by without acknowledging me at all or turned and went in a different direction as I hadn’t seen him and wasn’t even aware he was there. 2 days later I made him dinner for his birthday. We didn’t talk about the separation at all, he thanked me for dinner, the cookies I baked for him and the small gift. I was miserable the next day missing him all over again but so grateful for the hour we spent together. The problem is, he doesn’t seem interested in putting the marriage back together even though he said he isn’t worried about a divorce right now because he can’t afford it anyway. I love him with all my heart and want to reconcile our marriage, get him to love me again. I know in my heart we would be so much stronger than before. Our family and friends were stunned to learn he left as we always seemed so in love with each other, even after all that time. I don’t know what to do, I haven’t given up but I am scared and confused.

  62. Will Scott says

    Christy,

    It really seems like you are doing a lot of the right things. Your husband is fortunate to have you, so many women would be angry and be retaliating; or plotting with their friends.

    I would love to give you a magic potion to make it all better, but that isn’t an option.

    If it’s so important for him to do what he wants, when he wants then maybe you can think back about something in the marriage that may have made him feel trapped or “cramping his style”?

    Continue to give him his space but take an opportunity now and then to let him know that you are thinking about him.

    Is there a chance that, since he “can’t afford a divorce” that money problems are attacking his self esteem, maybe to the point where he doesn’t think he deserves you?

    Since I don’t know much about your situation I hate to speculate too much. Please take some time to look over some of the other posts on our site and see if something sparks an idea that might be helpful.

    And please, keep us posted on how it goes; we will be happy to help if we can.

    Best,
    Will

  63. Cassandra says

    I’ve read all I can, but I want to make sure I’m doing the right things for fixing my relationship with my fiance and getting things back the way it used to be. We’ve been together for over a year and a half and been engaged since early May. Barely even 3 weeks ago he would be so affectionate, tell me he loves me at least once a day, the works. He was so in love with me and made no effort to hide it. I have identified when and why things went dead: 3 weeks ago I got the thought of a mutual friend of ours whose engagement went badly downhill, and she and her now ex-fiance were together for 3 years prior, and now they don’t even speak to each other. I suddenly became very paranoid, to the point I couldn’t eat and felt sick to my stomach at the thought of that happening to us. I expressed my worry to him, and of course he told me I needed to calm down. After a while I did, but I wasn’t quite me yet. That’s not when the issues started, but it’s background. He’s in the U.S. Marines and stationed in Japan right now, and there was a certain job that he has wanted to do since he was little, but to do it would mean delaying the wedding for 2-6 years, when it was supposed to happen next year. I of course didn’t like it and expressed that I felt he was choosing his job over me and refused to let it go till a couple days later. Then for a week he was extremely dead emotionally, didn’t seem to care about anything. He said it was due to his job, and he’s not one to lie, so at a point when I should have believed him I instead figured he was done with us. By the third time came around of him explaining himself to me because I was showing my worry he was full blown angry with me and ignored me for the rest of the day. Then on June 13, the last incident, he had fallen asleep for a couple minutes, but since I saw he was logged onto Facebook I assumed he was ignoring me again, and I sent about 4 texts and a message to him wondering why he was ignoring me and what I did wrong, not even giving him a chance to explain himself till he woke to all the messages, and said that I made him feel like an a** for falling asleep. I’d been so worried he was ready to leave me that I let it consume me. It gets more complicated: About a month before he left he did break up with me, believing that he would be gone for a long time, couldn’t focus on his job, and that I should have better. He even went as far as telling me he didn’t love me anymore to get me to get over him. But a week before he left we got back together, just as strong as before, though I could see I was a bit insecure then and told him so, but he wanted to make me feel better and help get me back to feeling secure again then. I was doing just fine, up until I got the thought of my friend in my head. Right now I’m trying to mend it all, but I’m still a bit worried. Since May 31 the only time he has told me he loves me was one time after I said it first, otherwise nothing, and he used to call me beautiful as if it was a nickname, and now he’s slowly been using it less and less, till finally in the past couple days not using it at all. Our sex life (or what we make of it) is the same as before, and regular conversation is the same. He still texts me on his own accord everyday and during work (when he’s not supposed to even have his cell on him). Just the emotion seems to be gone. I’ll be moving soon to Alabama, and upon finally talking to him about it last night he told me “It is your life Cassandra you have to make the choices that will improve your life not our life cause I am here in Japan for 2 years if not more and I don’t plan on going home much for $2000 a ticket I will stay here” and “Just do what you think is best for you. Not for us.” From what I’ve read he’s pretty much telling me what I need to do right there, but I’ve been trying to turn things around since the last incident and things seem to be getting worse, not better. This is a tough one for me to figure out what exactly to do, cause most of what I’ve read refers to couples who are around each other, when the last time I saw him in person was the end of April and it’s apparent I won’t get to see him in person for a long time, and most also refer to men who talk less or not at all, when besides when work is in the way he talks the same amount as before. I’ve changed in the sense that if it takes him a half hour or more to reply back that I don’t send a second text anymore, but other than that I’m obviously missing something. I’m desperate to turn things around, what do I need to do to save my relationship and get things back to the way it used to be?

  64. Will Scott says

    Long distance relationships are really tough, and military ones even more so, perhaps.

    I am concerned that if you force this relationship back together right now it will be short lived, with each of you giving up what you want in life besides. That can be the foundation for long lasting resentment.

    You have already been sleeping together, so is there really a need to rush getting married?

    Let him cool off a bit; don’t push him.

    Both of you really need to identify what is important in your life – for long term, not just the immediate future.

    $2000 for a ticket home is going to be hard to come by, so unless you are going to be moving to Japan soon, it’s doubtful you will see him too much for the time he is there. A relationship like that has its work cut out for it.

    Best,
    Will

  65. Cassandra says

    Thank you for the reply. I honestly don’t feel I’ll be giving up what I want in life, really with him being gone for that long all I’m giving up is dating otherwise I can do whatever I want, and though I was angry at first for the choice he has made for his job I let it go and am now letting him pursue his childhood dream, and am honestly willing to wait 2-6 years to marry him. Before all this (and the break up I mentioned) there was nothing wrong and the relationship was great the whole time, and like I said he used to tell me he loves me at least once a day “a lot,” and even the most recent one he said “Like more than I can even describe.” Now 2 weeks later he’s acting like he couldn’t care less about me. I know what I did wrong, but I’m not sure in this case how to fix it. Ok let him cool off and don’t push him, how do I go about doing that? What else do I need to do? I plan on pursuing my dreams and letting him pursue his, but I still want to be with him as strongly as when we first started dating. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’m sure of it. After this crisis is over I can do the rest, but I need help getting over this crisis

  66. Cassandra says

    Oh, and on a similar note, on the 9th of this month he posted on my Facebook “When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me – Led Zeppelin,” and I remember when we announced our engagement many people were like “we were wondering when you were going to ask.” Something THAT strong, and now it’s the opposite? It confuses me…

  67. Will Scott says

    I’m sorry I am late getting back to you on this, but perhaps the “clean slate method” as taught in The Magic of Making Up is the best route to go. Respond back and I’ll get it to you.

    Best,
    Will

  68. Will Scott says

    Your situation is really difficult. You and he are changing fast, and will continue to change as you move into your adult life. It’s against all odds to think that 2 people meeting at age 15 really know that they are in love with each other for life.

    The best thing you can do is concentrate on getting a solid start in life and treating him respectfully not expectantly for anything other than support for his and your child.

    The fact that he is flirting with other girls shows exactly how committed he is to you; that is not likely to change.

    I wish I had better news for you but that is the unfortunate truth.

    Treat him the way you would like him to treat you. Never hit him and do not tolerate him hitting you. Leave his presence if that happens and make it clear that physical abuse is NEVER acceptable.

    Best,
    Will

  69. Cassandra says

    It’s no problem. I still thank you for helping. He hasn’t spoken to me in the past couple days at all, but I suggested he take a “break from talking to me” for a couple days or however long he wants, so that’s why. The last I got from him was a text that said “=\” then nothing. Not sure exactly what that means. I definitely want to try that once he gets back to me, cause I won’t communicate with him until he reaches out to me first. It was the only thing I could think of to basically get him to stop talking to me and actually allow me to step back and give him his space

  70. Megan says

    My hubby and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids together. Recently (7 months ago) he started a job as an over the road truck driver, and in the beginning things were difficult, we missed each other terribly, and spoke as much as possible. Well, he got used to being on his own, and enjoyed his “freedom”….. he enjoyed it so much that he met someone else, and started a relationship with her. I found out about her on our wedding anniversary, and was devastated. I’ve been working on making some changes because he told me that he wasn’t happy with who I had become. He then told me that he liked the changes and only wishes I had made them sooner because now it’s too late. He’s no longer with the other woman because she was sleeping with him and another man, so he felt betrayed. He tells me that he loves me, but is not “in love with me”. He wants a divorce because he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, yet tells me that I need to understand that he might meet someone at some point. I have tried just about everything, and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I really dont want to lose my husband… I’m hurt by what he did, but I have prayed about it, and I have forgiven him for it. I have asked him to reconsider dating me and starting over, and he’s not interested. He does come home to see me and the boys, and he has no problem being intimate with me. I feel as though he’s using me for his own needs, however I feel close to him during those times. Do I stop talking to him for a while (we talk every day)? I’m at a loss here.

  71. graciana says

    hi me and boyfriend have been dating a year and 6 or 5 months, we met at age 12 and went out at 13, we have the same birthday and were only 47 min apart, i got grounded from him for a month and it seems like my bf isnt acting the same it seems like he doesnt love me as much as he used to hes been sorta ignoring me, and idk what i should do im afraid he might break up with me and i want to make things like how they used to be when he said he loved me and missed me all the time and called me babe or baby all the time, do you have any advice to help?

  72. Will Scott says

    Honestly, that’s not an age where you can expect true, lasting love. Things change fast. There are plenty more opportunities for love coming your way, no need to be anxious.

  73. Jessica says

    I met my current bf over two yrs ago, I was four months preg with my ex bf child. We started off as friends elevated to friends with bennifits and then decided to take it to the next level and actually be in a relationship while I was in new Orleans for three months. When I came bk to atl we started our relationship. Frm day one he’s been their for my child like she was his own and we just recently had a child of our own. But here lately he’s been drifting away. I don’t kno what to do. My kids and him r my world! It’s to the point he doesn’t even touch me any more, he doesn’t show me any affection and quite frankly my self esteem has hit rock bottom. I tried hinting at that and when he acted like he didn’t get it I told him flat out “look I want to go out with you do things, you make me feel bad when you do/say this.” he promises me that we’ll go out says he sorry for hurting me promises me this and that but never follows thru and always has an excuse when it comes to the things I need emotionally. Yes, I’ve gained weight scence my kids and this seems to be the biggest prob. I’ll start an exercise/diet program and I’ll look to him for support because I hate exercise, I was always super skinny until my kids. But he’ll continue to put me down and I’ll be like the hell with this r I’ll give up because i feel like at least I’m trying and I can’t even get the most simple things frm him,, attention/affection/time/ect. I don’t bother to fix myself up any more because when I fish for a compliment by just asking how I look all I get is, I don’t like this r I don’t like that. I feel like y try b/c nothing I ever do is right any ways… I’ve hit the depression point way back…. I just want to fix things between us, I’m exhausted frm trying. I cry daily because I just know in my heart theirs someone else. Y else would he be so hatefull if their wasn’t? Plus the signs are their… I don’t know how we got to this, we use to be so happy together.

  74. Jessica says

    I forgot to admit my faults, as ppl tend to do… Since my self esteem drop I’ve become a little, ok a lot of a detective. I’ve caught txt in his ph where he told someone he was coming to fu**. I’ve caught him in lies about one other chick…. Of course he says it isn’t what it looks like, but I wasn’t born yesterday. It’s not so much the cheating tho. Ppl do things like that that mean absoultly nothing. It’s the lying I can’t stand. But n e ways, yes, I’ve become more clingy/needy in past months, and yes I’ve even been the begger… Wanting him to love me ect ect… It’s a twisted relationship right now. I just want it better, but sometimes he acts like he doesn’t even though he says he does.

  75. Suzie says

    Suzie,
    I have been in a relationship with a guy for about a year now. He seemed to have been very much in love with me. I tried to break up with him on several occasions due to time constraints in the relationship on my part but to no avail.

    When it was close to the year end, he suddenly changed on me. Our sex life diminished immensely and he began acting as if he didn’t care much about me. When I tried to investigate, he would just say he doesn’t feel to make the effort anymore. For about a month we did not have any sexual contact which was weird for us because we usually have sex every time we see each other.

    I was just in time to see him getting out of a car with a girl one night as I visited him. He took her to the door of his apartment and she went in, then he came back outside to see me. He tried to break up with me then, saying that he can’t do this anymore. So I stormed into his apartment. The woman was sitting in the living room in the dark. I put the light on and I asked him if that’s the reason why he can’t do this anymore. He said that she’s a friend and she comes there all the time. I asked her if she didn’t know that he was seeing someone. She said she’s his friend. Then he told me to leave now, so I told him that she’s the one who needs to leave, not me. Eventually she got up and apologized to me and then she left.

    Another time and went to his apartment to change his sheets and there I met another woman sleeping in her underwear on his bed. He was not at home at the time, he was at work. But he gave her the key. She said she was a god-parent for his sister’s christening and she was tired so she was just resting prior to the christening. When I spoke to him about it, he said she was one of his ex-girls and basically he told me exactly what she said about the christening.

    After that, he changed the lock on his door so that the key he gave me would not fit in it anymore. He said that someone had tampered with the lock so he put a deadbolt on it. I gave him back the key that he had given me. He also said he was going to change the lock and copy another key for me. That was over a month ago and it hasn’t happened as yet, although I’ve noticed that the door is now opening without the set of keys that he used initially to open it but I still have not received a key to the “new lock” as yet.

    The thing is that our relationship has diverted from a highly emotional and trust worthy relationship to one that’s lacking trust. If I say that I don’t love him I’d be lying, but I’m seriously trying to love myself more.

  76. Suzie says

    Additional Information:
    In the initial stage of our relationship, he use to beg me to come by his workplace. He owns a bar which he runs with his brother. I sometimes use to go there, but I couldn’t go all the time due to studies. I’m presently pursuing my BEd in Education. Now, it’s different. I have to call and say when I’m coming, I cannot go there during the daytime only at night time. Oh by the way, one of his ex’s, his last baby’s mother is currently employed at the bar by him, she runs his lotto boothe.

    I changed my relationship status on facebook from being single to being in a relationship. I sent him a request for him to confirm that I’m actually in a relationship with him. He said he cannot confirm it right now because his ex ( the baby mother) is one of his friends on facebook and some of her family members are also his friends and he doesn’t know what they would think of that. He also said that she would kick up a storm for that.

    Long ago, whenever I showed up at his apartment, whether unannounced or not, he would welcome me. He was always happy to see me then. Now, I MUST call first before I come and I mustn’t come too early and I mustn’t come too late. Now he gets angry if I don’t follow those rules.

    He claims that he’s putting in extra hours at the bar and its taking a toll on him, and that he’s also juggling with work, dropping his daughter and his sister’s kids to school plus his regular daily routine and gym. So basically I’m at the bottom of his priority list right now. Oh, and he claims he’s not cheating on me…..lmao!!

  77. Will Scott says

    Suzie,

    You tried to break up with him before…

    He has children with other women who he still has in his life one way or another…

    He has other women at his apartment, whether he is there or not when you happened the see the women doesn’t impress me…

    Exactly what is it about this guy that you are attracted to?

    He is not trustworthy, he is obviously not “into you” anymore.

    I think it’s time to move on.

    I know you deserve better because no woman should be treated the way he is treating you.

    Best,
    Will

  78. Suzie says

    Thank you Will for your advice. Sometimes we just NEED to hear it from someone else.

    Guess what? Now the bomb wants me to give him money to fix his car that he transport his ex in everyday. Like if I don’t have anything else to do with my money. I told him to let her fix the car. Apparently she doesn’t have the money to fix it.

    I recently found out that he went to a concert with another woman whom he claimed is also one of his friends. He said he has never slept with her. Long ago they went out together and she got drunk and he had to literally lift her up and put her on her bed and they never had sex.

    The thing is, this person that I have described to you is absolutely new to me. I never knew this side of him. It all came about when I brought up the topics of ‘us living together’ and ‘us having a baby’. Big mistake. He began taking some fat burners that had immense side effects on his sexual urges. I did some research on the tablets and I found out the side effects: pre-ejaculation (which he had), low sex drive ( which he had), penis not getting hard (which he had), were among the many side effects. Eventually he stopped taking them after I revealed the side effects to him and he gradually got back to normal. But somewhere in the back of my mind I believed that he was faking those symptoms. I don’t know, I could be wrong. I just found that it was all coincidental happening right around the time when I was on a two-month vacation. The sherade ended around the same time my vacation ended.

    I do agree with you that it’s time for me to move on with my life. I do feel lost in the relationship. We use to talk a lot about our future plans together up until I mentioned us
    having a baby together and us moving in together. He said that moving in is a very huge step and it should take a lot of thinking through. It’s not like I was putting any pressure on him, I just merely mentioned it. We haven’t spoken about it since then and frankly I don’t think I’m interested in either one of them anymore.

    I do agree with you that he’s not a trustworthy person. He has been moving a bit shady lately.

    Thanks again Will!

  79. says

    i need advice on my ex boyfriend, its different talking with my girlfriends and family etc, because they know him they are set on there ways with him. no changing there minds, so its rather difficult to get true helpful advice. So let me being by telling you how we met. We met through a friend back in highschool 5 years ago, we dated all through highschool 4 years total, and 7 months after we graduated, than we broke up. It was a very nasty breakup, i said and did hurtful things as did he, but i do admitt he never retaliated to alot of my actions like messing with his cars, sending him pictures of me with other guys. im ashamed of what i did and i know it hurt him, i was young and hurt. the break up was more his idea, so thats why i acted out in such a hostile way. i admitt it was crazy ex girlfriend actions. i think it started though i was finding texts messages with other girls, and he kept lying to me of his where abouts he would say he is at work, and id go too the mall and find him with his guy friends. little things like that made me suspicious and i just became a nagging girlfriend because the trust wasnt there. But rewind a little when i first met danny it was instant we clicked the next day we hung out and there for it was everyday, i fell for him fast as did he. are first two years i would say were amazing we neveer argued, we got along wonderful, made great memories, he was my bestfriend and a great boyfriend. Than it went downhill… but i know and never doubt that we were in love. after the terrible breakup we didnt speak for over a whole year, i dated somone else for that whole year and my ex ended up going down a bad path, he actually ended up in jail for 5 months.. so recently i mean very recently we got in contact. and we meet and got drinks to catch up, when i saw him it was crazy he looked different, but the same. the whole night we were making jokes, starring at eachother, kept playing old songs we used to love it got kinda emotional at the end of the night, so now we are still seeing each other occassionally we hang out almost every weekend and we are hooking up sexually. So here is the problem. clearly for me the feelings are still there, and i want to say for him too, because he still for one is sleeping with me, cuddles me, tries to play with my hair, gets super jealous if a guy calls or texts me, gets angre if i mention a guys name, asks my friends if im still talking tomy previous ex i dated after him, all those signs tell me clearly he cares and im not just a simple girl to sleep with because none of that other stuff would take place… we have talked about us and what is going to happen but he shuts off when i bring it up, i havent really asked him if he would try being in a relationship again with me because i dont really know what the answer would be. so overall i need advice on if he still cares? and if he does how should i attempt to get him to fall in love again? because i left that out….. im still in love with him, i want to try being with him again, sometimes you just really cant move on from your first love.

  80. Will Scott says

    Aria,

    Guys want sex.

    You are giving it to him, asking nothing in return.

    His incentive to change the situation is???

    Sure he likes you for more than just the sex, but he’s keeping his options open.

    Jail for 5 months?

    Is this the kind of man you want for life? for kids? to buy a house with? (jail time does not look good on job applications and credit checks)

    I understand the first love thing but keep your sights set on where you want to be in 5, 10 years or longer.

    Hope that helps.
    Will

  81. Jo says

    Well where do I start. I’ve been married for almost 10 yrs and together for almost 16 yrs. and have 2 wonderful kids..
    It has been great and what I thought wonderful. I just recently have been told he has been
    Cheating on me with a 22 yr old married woman with 2 kids. He has admitted they have been talking for 4 months and kept it from me and was going to stop it. I of course threw him out and then he came back stating he only kissed her and never took it to the next level cuz he has always hated cheaters and would always talk bad about them. I do believe him that they only kissed. And they told each other they love each other several times a day. I heard in voicemails when I confirmed it. I confronted her and she said the same and she loves him. We broke up for 2 months and came back saying he really wants to work it out. And that he is no longer IN love with me but wants to try. Now 2 months past everything great we have an argument and screams he needs space and has tried to love me but its been faked and forced. Right now it is really tough. He said that he wants to come back later in and maybe try not sure if he will ever fall back in love with me. I love him a lot and am in love with him. Please help. !!!!

  82. Will Scott says

    Jo,

    I really feel bad for your situation and know how hard it is to deal with someone who won’t be honest and tell you how it really is.

    What I am wondering now is if there is something else going on in his life, like work stress, a friend or friends going through an issue and possibly feeding him poisoned thoughts?

    Do you know where he met the 22 year old woman?

    If he says he needs some space then give it to him.

    How is all of this affecting you? Do you have a good friend (woman) to lean on, cry with, etc?

    I can imagine that the responsibility for the kids has fallen on you, but it is important that you take care of your own needs also.

    Hope to hear back from you,
    Will

  83. Jo says

    Thanks for the quick reply. I know he has a lot of stress without financially which he doesn’t
    Want to talk about. He met the other girl by taking our daughter to soccer practices and is the soccer coach who was also having problems with her husbands. They both started talking about each others marriages and then started hanging out more and more.
    Yes I have the kids and he now seems to go out twice a week and started drinking. He has been sleeping in our guest room for now until he decides if he can love me again. It’s tough seeing him everyday. I don’t have no one to lean on that’s why I’m typing here. I do feel all alone. I am a very private person. Also the 22yr old was trying to be my best friend and her husband my husband best friend she was at my house several times and she kept telling me to hang out with her more. This is so tough. I believe he is in live with me but he is very hot and cold.

  84. Will Scott says

    Stress really is a killer, and I know this is adding a lot of stress to you.

    If you can find a quiet time of your day, reflect back on why he may have fallen in love with you in the first place, and whether or not those conditions are still in place.

    If not, consider whether you can (or should) try to reinstate those qualities in yourself.

    When he will talk, make sure he realizes that you are willing to work WITH him as a TEAM to help overcome problems in your life, financial or otherwise. Nothing forceful, just gentle assurance.

    Remember that you are not “competing” with the other woman, it’s simply a matter of whether or not you and he are connecting. If you are not connecting, then the 22 y.o. is easily replaceable with the next woman he meets.

    Perhaps you can encourage him to not go out drinking by greeting him at the door when he gets home with his favorite drink and an maybe even an offer for a neck massage to help him relax – at home. One thing I struggle with is how people who have financial issues can AFFORD to go out drinking – it’s SO expensive.

    Hope that might help.
    Will

  85. shin says

    We know each other for 8years, right after entering university. and we are in a relationship for like 5.5 years now. The first year was unbelievable but then started the fights. However we managed to get along each time and we accepted that we are different in some ways and we must learn to understand these differences, I even think we got closer day by day, I really love him much much more than the first year and I feel so close and connected to him right now (despite all the fights and bad moments we had these years). But he doesn’t think like that!
    He recently has started to tell me that he has NO passion for me like the first years and he doesn’t love me the same way he did first years!!!!! I have noticed his ignoring and unkind behavior recently and I believe he is not in love with me anymore. I think I’ve become so boring for him! He also believes that we don’t understand each other at all (which I disagree!)
    It makes me so desperate to see I have LOST his precious love!! He says he wants to try for our relationship and he says it’s my fault because he receives nothing from me!! I don’t understand cuz I’ve tried HARD to show him my love and care but he is NEVER SATISFIED! I don’t know what else to do. We were planning to get married next year, but by his recent sayings about losing his passion for me, I don’t know what to do. I feel so desperate …

  86. Will Scott says

    Shin,

    There can be a lot of reasons he is acting like this, and one of them can be that he really doesn’t love you like he did. Maybe that can be changed and maybe not.

    Realize, too, that this could be a blessing in disguise for you if he really is NOT the right man for you.

    Feeling desperate, though, is not the right response. You have value and should be appreciated for your value. If not by him, maybe someone else is Mr. Right.

    Feeling desperate can lead to desperate actions that can actually REPEL him even more.

    Take some time and evaluate whether you really believe this is the man for you, or, if you deserve better treatment. Because, as you can see, things don’t usually “get better” over time, they get worse.

    If you are sincerely believing he is the one, the reply back and I will send you (with the author’s permission) one of the bonuses (no charge for it) that are delivered as part of the phenomenally successful Magic Of Making Up

    Hoping to hear back,
    Will

  87. Jenni says

    Hi I’m 32 years old,I’m from Iran,I’ve been married for almost 7 years now,but for the last year my husband has been telling me that he doesn’t fill the love like before,and after a while he told me since there is no love he doesn’t wanna live together anymore,our therapist suggested 6 months of separation without any meeting,now it has been 4 months,but 4 days ago I couldn’t tolerate any more,I went to him and I told him I still love him and I wanna live with him,but he tolled me that his fillings hasn’t change at all,but he will try for the next 2 months (remain from the 6 month) to think of getting back together,I don’t know what to do,I’m living in the house that we used to live together with all the memories,but he has move out ,there is now contact nothing to remind him about me.is this not seeing each other policy a good solution?what are your suggestions for me?

  88. Will Scott says

    Jenni,

    I’m sorry to hear about your difficult situation and I am glad that you are so willing to work it out.

    Your therapist knows more of the specifics of your situation, have you expressed this concern to him/her? I wouldn’t want to contradict the advice of a professional with more knowledge of your specific details than I have.

    There is a phenomenon that does affect some relationships called “The 7 year itch” which could be having some impact on your husband. While it’s not scientific, it’s just a characteristic of human nature that seems to take hold in enough people that it has become sort of a wives tale.

    Be patient and be willing to express your feelings to him but do avoid appearing desperate or needy. These attributes usually do more to repel someone than attract.

    I will email you (with the author’s permission) one of the bonus materials that goes along with the Magic of Making Up; if you find it helpful maybe you should look at the whole program; but see if this helps at all first.

    Best,
    Will

  89. Heather says

    I too, like Jenni, have been in my relationship for 7 years this month. Although still in the dating phase, no signs of moving past that.
    I love him, but love who he was in our earlier days. Now we feel more like roommates. It’s a two-sided fault though. If I’m home first, I still get up to greet him, not vice versa.
    I don’t feel as confident in myself anymore, so I don’t feel as attracting to him. I miss the hand holding and when he would put his arm around my waist as we pass through a crowded area. We go for walks, but holding his hand, “messes up his rhythm.” I need those little things. … not only to feel about our relationship, but to feel good about myself. I feel better when I “feel lived.” His description of “feeling loved” is in the bedroom, and bc my esteem and sense of feeling desirable has dwindled, so has our activity in bed. So now he feels “less loved” and so do I. We both love each other and say it every day. But I want us to feel the love and the butterflies again.

  90. Will Scott says

    Heather,

    Thanks for writing; this is actually somewhat encouraging as most problems I deal with are a bad situation.

    Not that yours is “good”, but I feel much more confident that it can be helped.

    You know the problem, so now the issue is to help him know the problem. The question is, does he REALLY love you or does he just want to be “friends with benefits”?

    On the one hand, the “new-ness” of love is hard to replicate life long. If I had a fix for that I’d be insanely rich!

    Maybe you would get some ideas watching the (free) video over at Girl Gets Ring – you didn’t say directly that you wanted to progress to marriage, but “between the lines” that’s sort of what I’m hearing. Anyway the traffic light analogy will probably resonate with you.

    Let me know if that helps.

    Best,
    Will.

  91. Sue says

    My boyfriend and I were together for a year and lived together for10 months when he asked me to leave because I treated him very badly. I didn’t show any love or affection unless we were having sex, which was quite often though. When I moved out of his house, I realized that I am very deeply in love with him and don’t want to lose him.

    I pleaded with him to give me another chance and yesterday (it’s been a month since I moved out) he told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me. He said he wants to get those feelings back but I need to give him time and space. We are supposed to see each other tonight, but I think it’s so he can give me my stuff back. I had a major freak out two nights ago when he wouldn’t respond to me and I found out yesterday he had an emergency at work and lost his phone during the emergency.

    I love him very much and haven’t contacted him since yesterday when he told me he wants to get the feelings back but needs time and space. His job is demanding in the summer months and his parents live a couple hundred miles away and his mom is really sick, so he needs to see them every other weekend.

    Is it possible for him to fall in love with me again if he says he loves me and wants to get those feelings back?? Please help!!

  92. Will Scott says

    Sue,

    It sounds like there is definitely potential but there are some roadblocks on your end..a few of which you have already identified.

    I think it’s important right now that you meet him as requested and just be calm no matter what happens.

    You already miss him, you now need him to miss you.

    The first step is to take any pressure off that he might be feeling about seeing you.

    Let things cool off just a bit then.

    If his job is going to requiring MORE of him that is one opportunity for you.

    With his mother being ill so far away, that’s another OPPORTUNITY for you.

    But you cannot rush this.

    Your situation is probably ideal for taking a look at The Magic of Making Up. I know Tdub personally and he really knows how to help in situations like this. Watch the video on his site (it’s free) and see if don’t agree.

    Hope this helps.
    Will

  93. Rebecca says

    My husband and I have had a hard year. He started having an affair last May. It ended when the other woman and I found out in October. He says he loves me but isn’t in love with me. We have been married for 14 years and have 4 children. I have been a home maker, and only now have a part time job. He was still on dating sites and hiding his phone until this past weekend. He wants to think through things and maybe fix things. Neither of us wants a divorce, and we have been together over half our lives. What should we or I do? I am willing to forgive, even through the hurt. I am not someone to dig up the past, I would love to just bury it all, and move on. The only arguments we ever have are about him seeing other women or texting them. He says he wants to build trust, and work it out, yet has continued to be unfaithful. He says he loves me, we are intimate, though he rarely kisses me anymore. what is your opinion?

  94. Rebecca says

    I also just got off the phone with him a bit ago, he is at work. He wants us to talk to our older children (12, and 14 both girls) who know everything, and lay out the what may happen, and hear their thoughts. He wants to make a change for sure, because we can’t keep going on the way things are (still feeling the need to be out all weekend with other women or at bars, or where ever he may end up-without letting us know). If he chooses for us not to be together, the children and I will have to move an hour away to my family’s. He hates that Idea. He doesn’t want us to go anywhere. He talks as though he is going to stop the childish behavior (and spending ) and be daddy and husband. Yet he also sounds like he is on the fence.

  95. Will Scott says

    Rebecca,

    The only time I start to feel a little bit of compassion for someone who has an affair is when their spouse has been holding out on them, for whatever reason(s). Does not sound like that is the case with you. My heart really goes out to you.

    Being able to forgive him and being willing to move forward puts you ahead of about 99% of all other people; it’s just so hard to do – so he *should* consider himself VERY fortunate.

    He needs to be told that the only way to build trust is by being completely open, honest and FAITHFUL over time.

    The best definition of truth I have heard is: “when the word and the deed become one”.

    So he needs to know that to build trust he has to do what he says he is going to do. The phone needs to be “open”, the computer restricted to worthwhile uses. And maybe he needs to know that if he wants your affections and intimacy he has to forsake all others, just like what was probably in your marriage vows. You are not there to be “used” at his whim & convenience just when some other woman isn’t available.

    Then go back to what made him fall in love with you initially. Understanding that things change, neither of you are as young as you were and perhaps your body shows that a little. That’s OK. If it shows it too much, maybe that’s something you want to work on for both your benefit and his. Becoming a mom changes things too, and he has to understand that. You both have lots more duties and responsibilities.

    Question, though…do you two “date” anymore? As in “date nights”? Chances are he misses some of the excitement of “the chase” that goes on when two people are courting and getting to know each other.

    That’s a start…

    Let me know if that helps at all.

    Best,
    Will

  96. Will Scott says

    Rebecca,

    Your children should not be (in my opinion) brought into the “inner circle” of the marriage itself. This is between you and your husband.

    Once you two decide then you can keep your children informed of what’s happening in their family, but it is not their decision to make BUT

    *MOST IMPORTANTLY*

    This is NOT their PRESSURE to ENDURE!

    They are children and should not be subjected to the pressures of this kind of decision, nor are they developed enough to make a wise decision.

    Would you ask a 12 or 14 year old’s advice about a mortgage on your home? I doubt it. Your marriage is infinitely a more important decision than a mortgage (maybe a poor example, but hopefully you understand my point).

    Definitely sounds like he needs to grow up a bit and take some responsibility.

    Best,
    Will

  97. Rebecca says

    We have had dates, but it’s so hard to get him to talk…it may be easier to pull teeth. He is still on the site and locked his phone. He disappeared Saturday. We had a date planned but he spent that money in a bar, then came in around midnight. He started crying. Now I’m just praying. I want to make the right/best decision for us. I truly love him, but can’t make it work without help. He swears he wants to work it out.

  98. Rebecca says

    By the way I’m only 31 and he is 33…we both look even younger than that.

  99. Will Scott says

    Rebecca,

    You are truly in a tough spot.

    He needs consequences for his actions – though I’m not in a position to suggest what those be.

    Perhaps someone he gives permission to hold him accountable for his actions and have that someone be a person who will be tough with him and demand an appropriate level of commitment to making things right.

    If you are 31 & 33 and your oldest is 14, you two obviously got an early start on family life – not something I would recommend. But that’s water under the bridge. Maybe he feels he “lost” some of his youth due to early fatherhood but that’s something every promiscuous young man needs to be willing to pay the price for. Sadly, 99.9% never give it a thought.

    No one is to blame for his situation other than himself, he either works with you on building your joint future or he will lose that which he has. How to get that message into his head is hard for me to say since I don’t know him.

    I wish I could help more.

    Best,
    Will

  100. Anonymous says

    My husband and i have been together for 13 years now and married for 8 of those years. We have been together since we were 16 years old. I am a stay at home mom with our 2 boys. He works out of town and sometimes out of state a lot. A few months ago he came out and told me he doesnt love me like he use to. A few weeks after that he totally broke down and said he was done and wanted a divorce. We talked things out and reconciled for a week. When he returned to work i noticed he was being distant again and he said he had returned to “reality”. He finally confessed to cheating at least 3 times and is now “just talking” to a woman at his work. Which was a big shock to me but explains his actions. He said he likes her and she makes him happy. She is going through a divorce also. He said he doesnt like me which i can understand. I have done all the wrong things to try to get him back by pleading and crying. And he refuses to want to work things out. He says the biggest struggle between us is that i don’t let him talk or listen to what he is saying. And i think he has a hard time with just saying what he means. So obviously there is communication struggles. I have asked him to slow things down with the other woman cause it has a big influence on how we both act toward other about the situation, but he is probly still talking to her. I have invited him over for some time together without talking about the situation and i hope it goes well. Any advice?

  101. Will Scott says

    Did anything in particular come to light when you did talk things out?

    Chances are that he does not like some of the normal changes & responsibilities in life; instead wants the “excitement” of a new woman/challenge.

    Try to note the differences there may have been in the “you” he fell in love with and the “you” of today. Granted, you are a mother now and that changes a lot, but look past that at some of the other attributes and just see if there is something you can identify.

    Do NOT feel like this is your fault, I’m sure there is blame enough for two. We just want to see if there is a way to compromise and reconcile the way things are with the way we would like them to be.

    Please let us know what you find out.

    Best,
    Will

  102. Colleen says

    I have been with my fiancé for four and half yrs in which we went thru his divorce which started long before we met we’ve had to ensue in one yr the loss of both my parents and one of his daughters we have or had nine kids and fifteen grand kids between us the demand is unbelievable we sat for two of the grand kids from 6 am to 6 pm for a yr and half one was 1 the other a new born somehow we got lost in everything as a couple I know the say if you don’t want it to end do what you did in the beginning horse crap were getting older he tells me he loves me All the time as I too tell him but since the yr and half our lovemaking is few and far between we don’t babysit the little ones anymore (mom got laid off) so what’s the excuse now we work well together but the romance is not there I’m not ready to give up just yet we’ve been thru so much but I need romance and human touch

  103. Will Scott says

    Colleen,

    Sounds like you have been through some tough times together. I wonder, though, why you are not married yet? Was something holding back either of you?

    Have you talked to him about your need for romance and touch? Is it possible he has some age related performance issues that he might be concerned will come to light?

    Just a couple of thoughts… Let me know.

    Best,
    Will

  104. Ash says

    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have been together since I was 14 and he was 15 years old. As you can imagine we’ve grown up together and have made a lot of mistakes throughout our relationship. For the past four years we have either broken up every year or thought about calling it quits. He did cheat on me two years ago and we have mostly reconciled that issue. I always tell him I need more of his affection and he tells me he needs to see more drive in me. Just last week he told me he was done and severely stressed. He said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. We’ve lived together the past year and this makes it all so very hard. I want to make this work so badly because I do love him and when we are good WE ARE GREAT. but when we are bad we don’t respect each other at all. He says he’s done with this repetitive cycle and I am too, but he doesn’t believe I want to change it and have both of us become better. We are still “together” but he expresses everyday to me how stressed he is but I essentially beg him to stay and try. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him, but I know it’s not fair to make him stay if he doesn’t want to. I know he loves me and we would miss each other so much if we separated. How do I tell him that it’s worth it to stay and that we can do this and become better? I don’t want to continue this back and forth battle but feel like we can stop it if we really try.

  105. zara says

    hai Will, my name is Zara.

    I’ve just reunited with my ex-boyfriend after we broke up for about 6 years. Now we have been together for almost 2 years. I love him very much and I believe he did love me too but I don’t know where the problem is when he now asking me for some space.

    To be honest I am a virgin. we did have our light romance but he didn’t push me to give him my virginity until few past months we did have big fight and I believe he was too bored waiting that for too long and he said I didn’t love him enough for that reason. I do love him with all my heart that I reserve my virginity to him until we get married since that was my dream-to marry him. Sad,nervous,confusing and afraid of him looking for other girl I finally gave my virginity to him. I know for some girls that was common but I think I’m a traditional kind of girl who believe that my first night should be a special one.

    but my bad he said I don’t know how to treat him well..im a queen of jealousy..and I don’t know how to respect him..i don’t know what to do because I thought I did stand by his side when he had problems, so I don’t understand what am I doing wrong how can he say I didn’t respect him.now he said he doesn’t love me anymore and he asked for break up. I was shocked and sad i gave him all I have..i don’t know what is wrong with our relationship.i tried my best to do what he likes and avoid what he dislike.i cried and plead him not to leave me since I had help him and support him financially and most importantly I did gave him the most precious thing that I took care of for years.

    Then he asked me to give him some space to think about us he did admit that he faces
    troubles and headache in both situation -whether im around or not around. So i don’t know whether this is agoodsign or he just did that to make me calm. i love him so much and he did love me before but i don’t know what happen that makes him change this way.what should i do now?please advise..thanks!!

  106. Will Scott says

    Zara,

    I know I am only getting one side of the story, but it sounds to me like he does not respect you enough.

    If you wanted to wait and he did not then that indicates a couple of things:

    – Maybe, he’s just in it for a good time and not a true commitment; It’s rare today (unfortunately) to find anyone (man or woman) who regards sex as anything other than a recreational activity that should be ‘automatic’.
    – It seems you and he have 2 different world views; yours more traditional than his. It’s difficult to have long term contentment and agree on major issues if you both do not subscribe to the same world view (morals, right/wrong, values).

    My advice to you is to really analyze what it is about him that you love so much, in light of how he treats you.

    Whatever you do, do not act desperate or go ‘crawling back to him’ or beg. You are better than that.

    Hope that helps,
    Will

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