How Long Should I Be In A Relationship Before I Either Marry Or End It?

Society has changed in the last century and now people find themselves in their 30′s, looking at 40 and still not married, with no children.

That’s OK if that is what you want, but many are asking how long should I be in a relationship before I either marry this person or call it off and look elsewhere?

Dating Forever

From time to time there will be a TV show where the primary couple are just dating, sometimes talking about marriage but it never happens.

I won’t age myself by mentioning some of the shows I remember, but a current show I like is Burn Notice on USA Network. While maybe spies should never marry, Sam Axe is deep into his 50′s, has no kids and just moves from one Sugar Momma to another. Great, he likes that.

Michael and Fiona will likely not marry unless maybe on the show finale. Well, Gabrielle Anwar is already 41 (looking good, granted) but Fiona is not any younger than that. Clock is ticking and many episodes indicate her impatience with Michael to make a permanent commitment.

How Long Have You Been In Your Current Relationship?

I often get questions from readers who want to know what to do when their relationship of 5, 10 years, even longer, is in trouble, and there is no permanent commitment.

My question to them is, what is your goal?

I know marriage is soooo outdated, but you know, the concept makes sense. I won’t get religious on you here because I know that most of you probably don’t want that. But there is a reason for the ceremony, the vows and the rings.

If you have been with someone, whether living together or just dating, for more than say, 3 years or so, one just has to wonder what the ultimate goal is? Are you just looking for semi-permanent, probably monogamous, long term company? If so, have a heart to heart with your significant other and make sure that lines up with his or her life goals.

Timeline of Life

Here is something I want to warn you of, though. No one grows old. I have never heard of it happening to anyone I know.

Instead, you wake up one day and realize that you ARE old, whatever “old” means to you. That’s just the way it is.

Are you over 40? Your eyesight doesn’t just gradually go to pot until you just can’t read anymore without glasses. Several eye doctors and many individuals I know have all said the same thing: one day you wake up and it’s there, you just can’t see like you used to.

Teenage Years

Few people hope their teen years will last forever – at least not until they are over 20. When you are in your teens there is always SOMETHING you are not old enough to do. Despite the fact that your government can forcibly haul you away and send you to some God-forsaken corner of the world to die in a stupid war for the benefit of bankers and/or industrialists and the elite, you probably can’t get a legal drink in your hometown.

Or you can’t get cheap enough car insurance to buy the car you want. Something.

You look forward to being older because:

• You have school/social problems you want to leave behind. Yes, that works. People are very different outside high school.
• You are tired of learning and want to start making money in that dream job. Keep dreaming, BTW.
• You hope your acne will go away. Maybe it will, for a lot of us it just diminishes – slowly!
• You want to get married, have kids. Hey, some still do, and they are not ALL girls.
• You think people will respect you. Hint: It depends on how you act.

Youth is a gift, enjoy it while it lasts.

Your 20′s

I think everyone enters the decade of their 20′s thinking they have finally arrived, “I’m an adult!”. But with adulthood come the problems of adulthood; primarily that paying the bills thing.

Reality sets in.

If you are in a relationship, expect things to change. Circumstances change, people change. That’s all OK, just don’t expect pizza out and a movie every Friday night and a sit down dinner out every Saturday night.

Some will have a lot of relationships over this time, some will get a divorce from that hunk/hottie they just HAD to have in their teens. For others the kids of those early relationships are in school, getting braces, starting their own relationships (probably too early).

Here’s what you need to know: One day you will wake up and realize that in just a few months you will turn 30, and for the life of you you just cannot fathom what happened to your 20′s. Many of us realize that, even though we had no plan in life (take note!), we don’t really like where we ended up.

Your 30′s

Then come your thirties and life can sometimes be pretty good. Good job, enough money, time to take up some hobbies. How do those hobbies coincide with your spouse/significant other’s interests? How does it interfere with your responsibilities raising kids?

Or, what if things aren’t going so well. Clock is ticking.

What if you want kids and still haven’t found the right mate? Clock ticking.

If you think your 20′s went fast, strap on your seat-belt, 40 is going to strike you in the face like a 2×4 before you know it.

Relationship-wise, this is decision time.

What if you have your career/act together but your partner does not? If you are not committed via vows and a ring, time for some heart to heart chats and some deep thinking on your own part.

Look in the mirror, your attraction power PROBABLY isn’t what it once was.

Is your partner taking advantage of you? Your income, your work around the house, your affections? Or is it 50/50?

Once you get into your 40′s the chances of finding that perfect mate that DOESN’T come with a lot of undesirable baggage is really slim. Obnoxious kids, ex from hell, you name it. The only good thing is that maybe the in-laws from hell are dead.

If you are in your 30′s and still flitting around with a loser boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to evaluate your life.

Do you deserve better or are you going to be content? Worse yet, are you going to sink to their level?

Does this person say they love you? If so, do their ACTIONS confirm it? If yes & yes, then what’s stopping the permanent commitment, ie, wedding?

Your 40′s and Up

Be careful. On the one hand, older people probably know what they want, know they won’t change and hopefully understand that any prospective partner isn’t going to change either. What you see is what you get.

What you do NOT want to do is realize your “clock” is about out and marry “just anybody” so that you can start having a family or whatever your plans are that require a spouse. Chances are you will make a mistake that way.

If you have been married before or in a long term relationship, learn from the past. Do NOT repeat the same old mistakes.

At this age you should be able to do a little better job of evaluating what you want and being able to identify traits in another. Realize that this may be your last shot. Sure, older people yet get married, but things can get real complicated depending on family & money situations.

At this age you should know the difference between love and lust. You probably also realize that you probably have to dial down your expectations. Not that many women this age look like Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston. Few men look like George Clooney and age like Sean Connery. Even those that do may not look like that much longer and may only look like that because they are single.

Think Edith and Archie Bunker instead.

Here Is What You Should Do

If you are in a relationship and your partner is flaking out on you -

• Spending time with friends instead of you
• Putting off talk of commitment

It’s time for you to:

• Decide what you want in life, what would you prefer your relationship situation be in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years?
• Evaluate how likely you think your current partner is to be a part of what your plan is.
• Sit down with him or her and ask them what they want in life and your relationship. If they have no idea or won’t say, ask yourself if you are just being taken advantage of because you either pay the bills, provide companionship or provide sex. Maybe a combination, maybe something else. But why are they with you?
• Think about whether you are with this person because of your own low self esteem, afraid that if you lose this person there will never be another. If this is the case, I want to tell you that you are probably wrong, in the first place, and second – if the other person knows this about you then they have an INCREDIBLE hold and advantage over you. You might be better off with no one, just saying.
• Determine if you need to improve yourself to attract and be worthy of a better mate. Have you gained too much weight? Get rid of it, put duct tape over your mouth if necessary. Need education? Get it, all you need is an internet connection and computer or your local library. All of MIT’s (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) curriculum is online for free. They are not the only ones.
• Never settle for less. Not in yourself, not in a mate. Clean up yourself, clean up your home if necessary. You can probably get more than you think you can out of life; in fact, I just about guarantee it. Don’t be afraid to work for it.
• Stop letting someone else control your life. That doesn’t mean not to make compromise in a relationship, it just means there should be an advantage for BOTH people in a relationship to continue it.

Give Your Mate Some Space

Maybe your mate just needs a little time to sort things out. Fine, let them. But don’t sit at home idle.

You take this time to improve yourself, like mentioned above. You will feel better, look better, attract better. Do some sorting of your own.

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s all the other persons fault while you sit on the couch eating Cheetos and watching soap operas. Honest evaluation is all that is going to work. Make sure that you do not suffer from an over-ego, high esteem issue where you think you are better than you really are. Hey, I only mention it because it happens.

I have seen situations where one partner is up at 6am and works until 11pm, at work, at home, non-stop for the “family” cause. The other is up at the crack of 8:30 or 9, ready for the day at 10, accomplishes about 3 hours of real “work”, makes a meal or two and then spends the rest of the day “catching up on news”, maybe a TV program or two, hits the bed early (too tired to “do anything”) and is quick to criticize when the 17 hours per day of the mate is falling short in some way – real or imagined.

Relationships Are A Two-Way Street

Unconditional love is great, but if your partner is not loving you back (and you are not married) then consider why you are hanging around. Do you REALLY love this person that much? Is it fear of the unknown or fear of poverty holding you to them?

I understand needing provision, but call a spade a spade.

An open and honest discussion can be the best medicine for a relationship. Maybe he or she does not realize how their behavior is hurting you and damaging your relationship.

If you do not have relationship goals, take time to establish some. Ask your partner to do the same and then compare your goals.

DO NOT SHOW yours before they write theirs. (Yes, this means write down those goals, on paper, and DATE it) You do not want your goals to influence what your partner writes. They need to write theirs before they get any peek at yours. This needs to be honest or what’s the point?

Repairing Your Relationship

If you are sure that the person you are with is Mr or Mrs “Right” and want to improve the relationship you have, start with the recommendations above.

For additional help, there is no resource I have found – at any price – that exceeds the exceptional advice and ideas found in the Magic of Making Up. We use the tactics found in that package every day and are amazed at the results. Understand, though, that not every relationship deserves to be saved.

Our goal for you is to help you realize what would make you happiest and then help you achieve that. If it means saving your current relationship, great; if it means helping you move on to a better one, that’s great too.

Without enlarging your head so it can’t fit through the door

This is all about YOU!

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