Relationship Advice Help

The Power Of A Simple Thank You or Compliment

With the early Spring I have been seeing lots of guys out mowing the lawn, and reminded me of a guy who was in a difficult marriage situation.

Reminder: There are two sides to every marriage, and showing appreciation to your spouse works both ways.

This guy desperately wanted to save his marriage, but he felt that most of the blame lay with his wife; and he also shared with me that he was willing to bet that she felt blameless.

Here was a guy who got up early and went to bed late, working hard all through the day. If he wasn’t working to earn a living, he was working to take care of the large property where they lived.

His wife, on the other hand, went to bed earlier most nights and always got up much later. She, being a female, took more time to “get ready for the day” besides. So to him it appeared like her day really was not that long.

Now, most marriages work best when the husband and wife share duties somewhat equally. If one or the other stays home with the kids, then it might be a little murkier – and that was the case with this couple.

The wife kept an awesome home: looked nice, was always clean, and the husband ate well. But hour for hour, he worked a lot more. To compound the difference, the kids were girls, no boys, and the girls had been well trained in the art of keeping house and cooking.

So as the years went by, mom’s share of work increasingly was done by growing children. Dad, on the other hand, just got older and, I suppose, the outdoor work seemed harder the older he got.

And while the wife had time for some reading and even a couple of favorite news or HGTV programs, the husband never even had time to read the couple of magazines he got.

To hear his side of it (from his wife’s perspective), every task his wife was responsible for was a horrible drama filled with difficulty and inconvenience, yet the work he did just did not seem to matter. And naturally he never made enough money so the wife had to work extra hard to stretch what she was allowed.

Can You Just Hear The Resentment Building?

What I do know of this husband is that if his wife, who was rather attractive, would have fawned over her husband a little – maybe offer a shoulder massage after a hard day working the land, that would have gone a long way.

Instead, he tells me that the only massage’s ever occurring in their house was when he might offer to rub his wife’s feet – after which she would not even say thank you.

Really? Not even a thank you?

I suggested that maybe she doesn’t like the foot massage but he said he asked her that and she said she does. Go figure.

Never Underestimate The Power Of A Thank You

This man insists that he would compliment his wife on raising the children, keeping a clean and beautiful home and the excellent cooking. Her responses, according to him, were to deflect the comment with a self-deprecating remark or a reference to some other problem she still faced.

My advice?

Your husband (or wife) gives you a compliment, just say “thank you”.

On the other side of that, when your husband comes in from mowing the lawn on a hot day, offer him a cold drink and say “thanks, honey, the lawn looks great”. Or if it doesn’t look great for whatever reason, don’t lie, but maybe you can say “it looks a lot better”.

The Physical Response in Marriage

Gals, here is some more advice that can go a long way to save your marriage: let your “thank you” be physical from time to time. In fact, for most men I know, the more often the better.

I know, you may have a notebook full of reasons why you don’t want to do that.

But you’re reading this post only if you feel your marriage is in trouble and you want to fix it; maybe even to stop divorce, right?

Maybe you’ll tell me “hey, look at him!” to which I will respond: “I didn’t marry him, you did!”

He Doesn’t Deserve My Appreciation

Hmm, yes, I knew that was coming.

You want to know why you should show your husband appreciation when you don’t feel he shows you any.

Here’s the answer:

If you want to save your marriage then you might just have to be willing to be the first to change. Somebody has to be first, don’t they? Not only can your actions spawn reciprocal actions in him – he might start feeling guilty if he continues to treat you badly, but it just could be the beginning of a complete renewal in your relationship.

A Secret About Men

The guy I wrote about above doesn’t care if he does 10 times more work than his wife. All she has to do is smile at him occasionally and say “thanks”. Compliment the results of his work once in a while. And throw her arms around him on occasion, and give him a kiss like she used to before they were married; then hopefully drag him off to the bedroom (or if the house is empty choose another room for a change).

Chances are that you are not much different from your man in that regard.

If he showed genuine, sincere appreciation once in a while for the things you do for him or for both of you as a couple I bet it would go a long way toward making up for his mistakes in your marriage. Am I right?

When you take the initiative to start showing appreciation and offering your thanks for what he does then your action could actually OPEN THE DOOR for him to start acting the way you want him to! It gives him an excuse to put any ego aside and compliment you, or thank you for something you have done.

So go ahead, be the first to change, see what happens.

Or, more importantly, what have you got to lose?

But maybe you just aren’t ready for that yet.

What If It’s Too Far Gone For That?

Sometimes in a marriage things have deteriorated to the point where nothing is comfortable anymore and you are just on pins and needles to be in each others presence. What can you do then?

Well, I have an idea.

I’m not promising that it will be easy, but you know, divorce isn’t easy nor is continuing to live like you are.

One thing I learned from T.W. Jackson is the “Clean Slate Method” (it’s part of The Magic of Making Up program). The Clean Slate Method has 4 parts:

1. Acknowledge (their feelings)
2. The Why? (your feeling or behavior that was responsible for the rift)
3. You are affected too. (by what you did, not them)
4. Apologize without defense.

Now I don’t have the space to explain it all here, but it begins with acknowledging how your spouse feels; I’m betting that he is hurting too. And in the example of the couple above, his hurt is severe and doesn’t think his wife even suspects it.

Acknowledge his/her hurt feelings and say nothing about your own.

Then talk about the why. Again the focus is NOT ABOUT YOU! And this is the part that takes some maturity because we always want to point the finger at someone else…

Maybe you have been overwhelmed with life, work, the kids, whatever and have not been as supportive, loving, (you fill in the blank) that you would have liked to have been.

Do you see how this can play out?

If any of this sounds a little familiar then perhaps go back and re-read it again to get a feel for how you might proceed in your relationship to save your marriage.

Perhaps the full-blown Clean Slate Method would be a help (if so then start by watching the free video here).

Leave a comment below or contact us if we can help.

{ 0 comments }